I smell bacon
Scented air fresheners, bacon scented for your pleasure
I like to speed.
I have a collection of speeding tickets on my driving record to prove it. I was busted for my last offense a few months ago when I was flagged down by a pudgy officer who bore a striking resemblance to the Booger Boy I knew in first grade who always offered me meatloaf from his cafeteria tray every Wednesday. I ended up in court with a reduced ticket fine thanks to Snotty, but still had to endure four hours I’ll never get back in traffic school. I don’t ever want to go to there again.
Lately I’ve been good, staying under 50mph for the most part, but yesterday a great song came on the radio and subconsciously I put the pedal to the metal. I was flying down the highway free as a bird, and then my senses scared me senseless. I smelled bacon. I slowed down (my heart beating faster than the crew of Harleys that were passing me) and checked the mirror. Not a copper in sight. Then I realized it wasn’t a police officer I smelled!
Silly Samara, it was only my new Bacon Scented Air Freshener from ModCloth.
Beer breath
Sit back and relax with icy cold bulk beer breath candy
Who needs a Lifesaver when you can have icy cool beer breath? I don’t drink much, but I do love a fresh mouth. So when I feel my breath is less than minty fresh, I reach for a roll of mah mah mah my Corona Mints. You won’t find retro and bulk candy cooler than at the Candy Warehouse.
King and Queen for a day
Sometimes I feel like I’m the King of the World. Sometimes my wife feels like she’s the Queen of the World. Sometimes my kids feel like they’re part of the Royal Family. With these King and Queen Crowns from Prom Wishes, my wife and I can be King and Queen every day of the year.
Put on your Game Face
2-4-6-8, who do I appreciate? Me! That’s right, with these Temporary tattoos from Johnny T-shirt plastered on my face, they serve as the perfect reminder that I’m numero uno.
Worth it’s Weight in Gold
My husband says I’m worth a million bucks. I say I’m worth this 10 oz Gold Bar from Eagle National Mint. This hunk of hunk of burning gold is so dazzling, it makes me feel like I’m the richest woman in the universe just thinking about it.
Watch me Sleep
I’m a bad sleeper. I toss and turn and kick around like I’m kung fu fighting that crazy panda character, plus I hate waking up right in the middle of a perfect dream. This Sleeptracker Watch from Brookstone makes sure I get my beauty sleep every night of the week. It monitors my body and helps me wake up more refreshed than Rip Van Winkle.
These lollipops don’t suck
I’ve heard of sucking out the venom if a scorpion stings you, but sucking on a scorpion period?! That’s out of control! These Scorpion Lollipops from CandyFavorites.com are so gross they’re good. These edible insects will make you feel like you’re part of some ancient tribal civilization…uh…that knows how to make sweets.
Rest in peace pipe
I’m whipping this baby out the next time I’m at a dinner party with the wife, and I don’t even smoke. This Skeleton Pipe from Medieval Weapon Art is spooky, and cool at the same time.
Pimp my hat
Sometimes fashion is all about the Benjamins. I’ll be looking cooler than Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch wearing one of these Big Money Pimp Hats from Century Novelty. These hats will liven up any party. Wear it next Halloween and I guarantee you’ll feel like a million bucks.
Easy Bathroom Attendant
My teenage son said he wanted a summer job that was close to home. I got him this. You can’t get any closer to home than our own bathroom. This Hydro Integrated Bathroom Cleaning System from Promaco Inc. keeps my bathroom sparkling, and my son out of trouble.
The British are coming
Instead of bringing fireworks and a six-pack of beer to this year’s 4th of July festivities, I’m showing up wearing this Patriot Adult Mascot Costume from Anderson’s Spirit! What better way to show my undying love and loyalty for my country than to show up on my friends’ lawns screaming “The British are coming, the British are coming!!?”
To my health
This was featured on Oprah, and if it’s good enough for Oprah, it’s good enough for me. This Ceramic Breathe Easier Neti Pot™ from the Himalayan Institute keeps me feeling more healthy, happy, and cleansed than an hour of yoga.
