January 30, 2009
There is a saying that only one out of every 10 people is good-looking. Next time you’re in a crowded place, take a gander. You’ll see that it’s mostly true (unless you’re in a room full of swimsuit models – in that case, go you!). So, when narrowing down the top 10 hottest first ladies (and mistresses), I did a little math. There have been 44 presidential wives. If the saying holds true, that means only 4.5 are aesthetically pleasing. Ouch. No wonder there are so many mistresses. The ironic thing about the mistresses, though? John Kennedy had the most, but he had the hottest wife. Go figure. Read more
January 27, 2009
It’s official. The 44th president of the United States has been sworn in, just in the nick of time for Presidents’ Day. If you don’t have any big plans scheduled yet for February 16th, here are my top 10 nifty picks for items that will help you go all out while celebrating All the Presidential Men, past and present.
10. Flag printed Tootsie Rolls
You know all about those people who wrap themselves in the flag. Of course sometimes it’s more symbolic, but other times it’s a genuine mummy-style wrap job. And some people get kind of ticked at that, sometimes because they see it as a good way to avoid really doing anything meaningful and other times it’s because they happen to drag a corner or two on the ground. It’s way too complicated.
So skip all of that, and just eat the flag instead. Well, not the actual flag. But a bag full of flag patterned Tootsie Roll candies which is almost as good and won’t get you on the bad side of Homeland Security (unless you try to eat the candy while a TSA agent is groping you….)
9. Founding Fathers Kit
If you like to play dress up, this Founding Fathers Kit from Amazon.com will tickle you more than a fine quill plume.
This Instant Disguise Kit comes stocked with a traditional colonial wig with bow and a jabot (which is that ruffly cravat-like scarf thingamajig dudes wore back in the 18th century to look cool). Whether you’re marching in a Presidents’ Day parade, hitting a Founding Fathers themed costume party or up for some patriotic nookie, you’ll be looking as hot as Thomas Jefferson did when he put his John Hancock on The Declaration of Independence. I want to wear mine out and instead of asking people what time it is, I can ask them if they know when the British are coming.
8. Presidente Cigars
It’s a fact. You can’t enjoy any Presidential festivities without honoring our 42nd president, William Jefferson Clinton. Bill sauntered into the White House back in 1993 armed with wife Hillary, daughter Chelsea, his sax and a smile. Emanating as much buoyancy and charm as the hunky teen heartthrobs featured on the CW, Billy spent the next eight years bringing more fun and frolic into the White House than a Sigma Phi frat boy with a raging case of hormones brings into a kegger.
Have a cabinet full of fun in your Oval Office when you light one of the Presidente Cigars in honor of Bill and all of his juicy presidential scandals. Just be careful where you stick it. Oh, and beware of any devils in blue dresses wearing berets.
7. Presidential Netflix Double Feature
You’ve decided to stay in for the night. I don’t blame you. There are a lot of drunk drivers out there partying hard on Presidents’ Day. Pop some popcorn and make it a presidential movie night with the politically themed comedic flicks “W” and “Dick” from Netflix. You can chuckle at Dubya’s hijinks chronicled in the Oliver Stone biopic, then whoop it up at another Dick’s expense (Dick Nixon that is) with a zany political caper starring Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst. If there’s a long wait for these cinematic masterpieces you can always switch it up with “JFK,” “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,” “Jefferson in Paris,” a Ronald Reagan before-he-became-Commander-in-Chief oldie … or pull a Presidents’ Day all nighter with all seven seasons of “The West Wing.”
6. George Bush Toilet Bowl Scrubber
Since we’re on the topic of W, I have a fine way to honor his exit from the White House. Say poo poo to the last eight years while keeping your bathroom clean, deodorized and free of germs with this George Bush Toilet Scrubber. Our new president can’t do it alone, he needs help cleaning up the monstrous mess Mr. Bush left in the can. If only our country was as easy to clean as a toilet. Just a few swipes of the brush and all the stains that have tarnished our nation’s reputation for the past two presidential terms would disappear, right down the drain. We may not be able to scrub away all our country’s dirt with a set of Bushy bristles, but we can have some hella fun dunking George’s head in the toilet. Scrub-a-Dub Dubya.
5. George Bush Toilet Paper
I’m on a roll here, literally. Pair your toilet bowl scrubber with a roll of George Bush Toilet Paper from DemStore.com to wipe away any crappy Bush remnants left behind. For $9.95 you can enjoy a slew of Bushisms like “They misunderestimated me” or “We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.” If you get tired of seeing Bush’s face every time you wipe, mix it up with a roll of Cotton Soft Cheney, Super Absorbent McCain or Two-Ply Sarah Palin toilet paper featuring the hockey mom who was almost a great big No. 2 herself.
4. Obama Funny Money
It used to be all about the Benjamins, now it’s all about the Obamas. If you want some serious bank, order a roll of Barack Obama nine dollar bills from PrankPlace.com. They look real, they feel real and they’ll fool your friends fo real. You can order up to 25 nine dollar Obama bills for $14.99, which actually gives you a $210.01 profit. I knew things were starting to look up. Goodbye recession, hello surplus. Thank you Mr. President.
3. Bill and Hillary Clinton Gift Set
The dynamic duo is back. Hillary Rodham Clinton may not be sleeping in her old bed back at the White House, but she does have her very own Secretary of State seat on our newly appointed president’s cabinet. I heard Bill was lobbying for a position as Secretary of Home Partying, but the jury is still out. Count on the Clintons to liven up any party or get together with this handy Clinton Corkscrew/Nutcracker Combo Set from Bud K Catalog. Whether you’re throwing a formal dinner party or Presidentpalooza, he’ll pop your cork and she’ll crack your nuts for only $34.99.
2. Sarah Palin Action Figures
Presidents’ Day is not only a time to reflect on the presidents of the past who have served our country well, it is also a time to reflect on those who didn’t quite make it into the White House. Now that the election is over, it’s finally time to sit back and enjoy some political play with these Sarah Palin Action Figures that have completely immortalized the true starlet of Campaign ’09. Enjoy three versions of the lipstick-wearing pit bull herself with Executive Sarah, Super Hero Sarah and School Girl Sarah (pictured above) who bears a striking resemblance to a younger, thinner Britney Spears. Choose your favorite for $29.95 or say “You Betcha!” to them all for a sassy Sarah threesome. One question. Where’s Moose Hunting Sarah?
1. Barack Obama Adult-Sized Mask
Rumor has it there were a bunch of these masks floating around D.C. on Inauguration Day. Of course there were. How else do you think Barack made an appearance at all 10 Inaugural Balls? For a few dollars, you can feel what it’s like to resemble the Obamanator with this adult-sized Obama Mask. Wear it out on the town and don’t be surprised if people give you high fives, bumps, beer or puppies to bring home to Sasha and Malia.
March 13, 2008
Power. Influence. And height.
Over the years, the White House has been home to a variety of men, ranging from the very tall to the very short. At a diminutive 5’4”, James Madison was the shortest