Knowing what not to buy your husband for Christmas could save your marriage

No, you didn’t read the title wrong. There are dozens of articles on what to buy for husbands, I even wrote some of them. But this one is about what NOT to buy your husband for Christmas.

Usually, we women do pretty well when it comes to gift buying. We successfully navigate the risky waters of shopping for mother-in-laws. We brave the wilds of the toy aisle at Target, facing off against dozens of other parents intent on grabbing that same last box of whatever toy every child MUST have this year. 

But sometimes, when it comes to husbands, we miss the mark. It slips our overworked and overtired minds that the wonderful man we married is, well, a guy. So to avoid that awkward moment when he looks baffled and we storm off to eat the entire box of Christmas chocolate, here is your guide to what to leave off his Christmas list.

Anything written by Nicholas Sparks

You may cry over your fourth read of “The Notebook”, and know every word in “Message in a Bottle”, but trust me, your guy just doesn’t get it.

~

Don’t believe me? Cracked.com offers what my husband assures me is the ultimate guide to a guy’s view of Nicholas Sparks’ movies. Sorry ladies. Time to return those DVDs you bought to slip into his stocking. It just won’t work.

Anything with the word “yoga” in it

I go to yoga classes about 6 times a week. And occasionally there are a couple of guys in the class. So why am I so sure that any gift with the word yoga in it is doomed to failure?  Because the guys in my yoga classes are almost never someone’s husband. 

There is the single guy who’s looking for a woman who can do that back-bend. Those guys usually last one, maybe two classes before they realize that yoga is real work — and they’re not going to pick up anyone when they have to lean against the post during balance poses (yes, we did see that, sir!)

Now to be fair, once in awhile, there is a married man in class. No ah-ha’s, ladies! Well, not unless your hubby is pushing 80-something, and has been told by his doctor that it’s yoga or a wheelchair.

So take back that yoga mat, and turn in those class vouchers. He’s just not going. Trust me!

Anything that requires knowing the difference between aqua, turquoise and aquamarine

I can only think it must be far simpler to live in a world where colors are limited to red, yellow, blue, green, orange and purple.

But sometimes I forget that fact, and try to get my husband to express excitement about a certain shade of sage versus a particular hue of asparagus. Instead, I get a baffled look — he sees green.  Just green. Both, green.

I’ve had to learn that this precludes fun times at the pottery painting store, and anything else that necessitates fine color distinction, so cross that off the list, too.

Statues of angels, embracing couples or children playing with puppies

Yes, that figurine of the couple embracing is lovely. And that one next to it of the two kids and the puppy is too cute for words. But please, leave them in the gift shop.

Whatever it is in those statues that triggers our “awww” just isn’t in your husband. It’s not that he doesn’t love you or the kids. He does. And the embrace? He’s good with that, too … just not in figurine form.

Anything sold mostly because it smells good

Scented candles. Scented soap. Scented body lotion. If it’s marketed because it smells good, it is not the gift for your hubby.

The smell of dinner? Now that works! The smell of a bar-b-que grill? He’s there!

But try it with cinnamon and vanilla candles? Yeah.

Keep that Christmas chocolate candy on hand and be prepared for that baffled look. It’s headed your way any minute!