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Top 10 Ways to Get What You Are Owed

Written by: Editorial Staff

May 31, 2011
Filed Under Offbeat 


Contributed by Tim Brugger, Top 10 Guru

Maybe you lent money to friends of family; could be you committed the cardinal sin of handing the keys to your new car over to a less-than-desirable sort, or it may be as simple as waiting on the return of a cup of sugar lent to an unscrupulous neighbor.

Whatever the circumstances, you’re owed and it’s time to collect.

10. Gentle reminder

One of the top ten ways to get what is owed

In the early stages of trying to get what you’re owed, dropping the occasional hint while talking about the weather may, we hope, be incentive enough to cough up the goods. For their sake, let’s hope it is, because some of the other items on our Top 10 list may cause a bit of consternation, for everyone involved.

9. Harsh reminder

One of the top ten ways to get what you are owed

Okay, so the friendly reminder didn’t do the trick, time to bust out the big guns. Even though it may seem as if raising your voice would be ideal at this stage, fight the urge. A low, measured tone is sure to send chills up and down the deadbeat’s spine. Don’t forget Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs; it was the calm way he went about sizing up his victims/next meal that made him REALLY scary.

8. Threat of violence

One of the top ten ways to get what you are owed

This may seem a bit much, but it’s not like you’ll actually break someone’s leg or anything. Simply standing out front of the antagonists’ home brandishing a new 34 ounce Louisville slugger should do the trick. If not, try a few practice swings to let ‘em know you’re no rookie. Remember to keep that elbow up and swing through the ball; we’re shooting for line drive base hits here, not home runs.

7. Pet-napping

One of the top ten ways to get what you are owed

So, the person that owes you has a furry friend that accompanies them everywhere, never leaving their side. They treat said critter as a member of the family; isn’t that nice? Ah ha! Time to don the ninja outfit and oh so stealthily swipe the fur ball right off the lawn. Take note: this method of getting what you’re owed may require the assistance of an accomplice; someone’s got to drive the getaway car.

6. Phone calls

One of the top ten ways to get what you are owed

We’ve all had them, harassing phone calls from solicitors of all sorts, and no one likes them. Turnabout is fair play, so now it’s time for you to start the harassment. If you haven’t already, put the payee’s number on speed dial. Then, and here’s the fun part, every time you find yourself with a spare moment, hit them with another call. This can be difficult nowadays with caller ID, but keep it up anyway; good things come to those with perseverance.

5. Hi-jacking

One of the top ten ways to get what you are owed

Similar in concept to Top 10 item #7, this particular method generally involves inanimate objects, ideally of great sentimental value. If possible, get your hands on great, great, great Grandma’s old wedding ring. This is followed by item #6, with a cleverly crafted message indicating it’s time to get what you’re owed, or the ring may be “lost.”

4. Russian mafia

One of the top ten ways to get what you are owed

Not a perfect solution by any means, but an option nonetheless. It’s not the virtual certainty of severe violence that precludes this from being ideal. No, it’s the huge cut they’ll demand upon retrieving whatever is owed. I mean, these guys don’t do low interest financing; they’re more like a payday loan type of operation.

3. Certified letter

One of the top ten ways to get what you are owed

Receiving an old fashioned, hand-written letter still brings chills to most of us; it’s sort of a lost art in today’s email-laden world. However, there are rarely instances that certified letters bear anything but bad news. It may be as simple as watching the postman make the long walk to the front door, certified letter in hand, that will bring the debtor to his knees.

2. Use a third party

One of the top ten ways to get what you are owed

This is an ideal solution if a family member is involved in the dispute. Mom, like no other, can still lay down the hammer when needed and let’s face it; at this point it’s needed. Nothing instills the bone-chilling fear like Mom on a rampage. If push comes to shove, ask her to use next year’s Thanksgiving invite as her Final Solution.

1. Attorneys

One of the top ten ways to get what you are owed

Ugh! No one wanted it to come to this, for heaven’s sake. These guys make the Russian Mafia look like cookie-selling Girl Scouts by comparison. Not only are they more brutal, but the cut they take will leave little but crumbs from the original debt. But hey, you’ve tried calls, petnapping, letters, even Mom to no avail, now it’s time for the suits.


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