Find a way to deal with your hangover.

Being hungover, or as the French say, having a ‘wooden throat,’ is a sad state of affairs. All that fun you had the night before, all those witty things you said and the euphoric feelings of invincibility you experienced have evaporated, and you are left with what one of my friends once described as “a little maniacal dwarf inside my brain beating its way out with a sledgehammer.”

You have a hangover.

The Hangover Experience

To research this article, I thought it would be fitting to reach the state of mind of my readers, so last night I went out, got loaded on shots of Cutty Sark whiskey, and now I am hungover, like you.

Since this article is about curing a hangover, I should start out by saying that, like the common cold, there is no real cure. You can only alleviate the pain, dumb it down a little. Your hangover is here to stay, it is strong, muscular, has friends in high places, and will not be banished by your meager efforts. While you are drinking into the wee hours of the night, your hangover is lifting weights, sparring with giants, and tackling the entire offensive line of certain NFL teams. The only way to avoid hangovers is to avoid booze, but if you are like me, that’s almost impossible, and furthermore, if you are like me, you are really hungover now and you could care less about hindsight.

There are myriad hangover remedies, some of which work better than others. Let’s begin with the less desirable ones, namely, curing a hangover by commencing drinking again. I don’t favor this approach, as it just forestalls the pain and delays your recovery. However, if you must do this, I would suggest either drinking a Bloody Mary or my other favorite, Hair of the Dog, which is made by combining 6 oz of Bulldog Gin, ® oz fresh lemon juice, 2 to 3 dashes of tobasco sauce, and a slice of chili pepper for garnish. Incidentally, Hemingway used to battle his post-sauced opponent by mixing tomato juice and beer.

The Cause of Your Hangover

Hangovers are caused by the ethanol in alcohol which dehydrates you, hence the blinding headache and blurred vision you and I are experiencing right now. While your liver uses enzymes to break down ethanol, you miss out on all that good glucose you were once provided with, and that causes the fatigue, weariness, and lack of all desire to do anything productive, hence the difficulty I am having composing this article.

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Hangover Prevention

There is no such thing as hangover prevention if you drink. No matter how much gatorade or how many pints of water you drink before bed, it will only have a minimal effect on the dwarf with the sledgehammer inside your brain trying to get out.

However, you can make small choices to lessen the weight of pain the next day. Fermentation produces something called congeners, which, if avoided to a degree, can ease your pain the next day. Dark drinks like whiskey and red wine are going to have more congeners than light drinks such as white wine and vodka. Also, the cheaper the booze, the more congeners there are amassed inside it. See, not only do rich people have better clothes, houses, cars and lives, but their hangovers are less excrutiating. Talk about class injustice.

Hangover Cure History

Most hang over cures that work are subjective, so you have to find something that works for you. Throughout history, people have tried different hangover remedies, and alas, we are still hungover. Ancient Romans ate deep-fried canaries, and our noble Greeks chomped on sheep’s lungs. Medieval era frat boys used a mixture of eel and almonds, and today in Poland some people drink pickle juice.

More Hang over Cures That Work

• I would stay away from popping pills like aspirin or ibuprofen, which can have negative effects for some people.

• Alka Seltzer has done the duty well for many, and drinking large quantities of water works for everybody as you are dehydrated.

• Think of yourself as a snake that needs to shed its skin, which is why water, hot or cold showers, and getting some good exercise in to sweat out the toxins all work the best.

• A buddy of mine takes two magazines and sits in the steam room of his health club for half an hour, takes a break, and does it again. I would be careful with this one, but if you are as lazy as my friend, you might want to try it out.