The Top 10 St. Patrick’s Day gifts for your friends and brethren
Written by: Sammy Sanchez
March 6, 2009
Filed Under Holidays
Let’s face it, Saint Patrick’s Day is probably the least holy of holidays, commonly marked by green beer guzzling, consequent green beer puking and strangers using your lack of green attire as an excuse to pinch your personal bits and pieces. The only folks who nay St. Paddy’s Day are those found weekly in AA. It isn’t customary to dole out gifts in honor of St. Pat, but I say spread the leprechaun love anyway with my picks for the top ten St. Paddy’s Day gifts for all ye friends and family.
Yer Ma loves to dance, and yer Pa has two left feet. Get her out of the house for a night out on the town with two front row seats to the “Greatest Show on Earth” (after the Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus, Cirque Du Soleil and Cats). Treat her to the International sensation touring for the 14th consecutive year – Michael Flately’s Lord of the Dance. Whether she’s Irish, Turkish or Puerto Rican, one look at Michael Flately’s flying feet and she’ll be knocked off her arse. Next summer, be sure to take her to the country leg of the tour – Lord of the Line Dance.
Yer Pa has a temper. When he’s not red in the face, he’s enjoying the simple joys of life… lounging around like an Irish couch potato, watching the Fighting Irish play ball, and drinking a pint or two or ten of Guinness. Yer Pa doesn’t like to be bothered with menial chores and naggin’ from yer Ma, so get him this cozy “Feck Off” Sweatshirt to honor him on St. Paddy’s Day, and yer Ma will get the picture. Right after she tells him she wants a divorce and to go feck himself.
Yer young Irish rose of a sis is crazy about bad boys. Her undying love for Irish export Colin Farrell leaves a bad taste in yer mouth, worse than the time you tried Haggis. He’s fathered an Irish sea of illegitimate children, has tested more drugs that the FDA and hasn’t used a comb since the Great Irish Potato Famine. Nevertheless, she still thinks he’s sexier than a Scotsman in a kilt.
This St. Patrick’s Day give her artwork that she can hang up in her bedroom featuring the tattooed womanizing boozehound, because a picture may speak a thousand words, but it can’t get yer little sis pregnant.
Yer little brother hasn’t had an easy time of it. He has no pals, gets beaten up after school every day, and refuses to go to church with yer Ma on Sundays. He needs to worship something, so why not worship all things Irish? Turn up the U2 on Little Danny Boy’s iPod, give him a wee sip of O’Douls and thank Jaysus Mary and Joseph, he’ll be bowing to Bono and swearing by our beloved Saint Patrick in no time. For $16.89 he can wear his Saint Patrick is my Homeboy tee all around the hood and hopefully the gang members in Hell’s Kitchen will leave the poor lad alone.
A drunk Irishman walks into a pub and orders a shot of Jameson. He staggers over to the toughest looking feller in the joint, leans on the table and says – “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Boy-O, she is one fine looking woman!”
The man doesn’t say a word.
The drunk leans on the table again and says – “I got it on with your grandma and she is good I tell ya, the best I ever had!”
The man still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”
Then the man stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says
“Go home Grandpa, you’re drunk”.
Give yer Grandpa a bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey to drink at home and he won’t show up at the pub embarrassing you with dirty limericks and stories about your Nana.
You love your Nana and defend her honor every time yer Gramps brags about her at the bar. She spoils you whenever you come to visit and sends you a crisp $5 bill every year, three months after yer birthday. She loves nothing more than sitting in her rocker every night with Roma Downey in reruns of “Touched by an Angel” and a nice cup of hot cocoa to sip on, so give her this “Pot O’ Gold” Green Hot Chocolate from Creative Irish Gifts that comes in a cool reusable pot for $10.99 and you might strike gold with a crisp $10 bill three months after yer birthday next year. Plus, yer Grandpa can finally stop complaining that he doesn’t have a pot to piss in.
Don’t leave Paddy O’Barklehee out of all the Saint Paddy’s Day shenanigans! After a night of drinking, put this wee little leprechaun hat on top of his head and follow him to the end of the rainbow to collect yer pot of gold. Don’t be surprised when you wake up at the top of the morning to discover yer treasure ain’t a pile of gold, it’s a big pile of O’poop.
If yer roommate is a little light in his loafers, he’ll love these jazzy leprechaun kicks from Century Novelty. Starting at $3.95, he’ll be able to wear them to all of his fabulous Saint Patrick’s Day parties and festivities. Once the month of March is over, he can still get plenty of use out of his magic boots whether he’s making some extra holiday cash as Santa’s helper at the Mall or as a finishing touch to a super Halloween costume. Clap your hands if you believe in Tinkerbell.
It’s been awhile since yer best mate has gotten some, and yer both headed to the pubs tonight. Your mate is too critical every other day of the year and makes a horrible third wheel, so get his Sean Connery or her Molly Maguire pinched whether they’re wearing green or not with these first-rate Beer Goggles that will get their Irish eyes a smiling at every lad or lassie that passes by, even if they have the looks of an Irish setter. They’ll be skinny dipping in an Irish Spring in no time.
Beer sold separately.
If there’s one thing you can predict for St. Patrick’s Day, it’s that yer going to get drunk as a skunk. Before you settle down with yer pints and hearty servings of Shepherd’s Pie, take a gander at a book that is worth it’s weight in gold… especially after you find yerself in the clink for driving under the influence of Murphy’s Irish Red.
Prepare yerself with this literary treasure from Amazon.com for only $7.19 that will help you out when yer guilty of being an eejit (Irish for idiot) in the first degree. Written by a former copper, you’ll find hints on how to avoid getting arrested in the first place, how to pass a sobriety test once yer nabbed and how to win yer case before a court of law. Don’t leave it all up to fate ‘cause even if you’ve got a pound of four leaf clovers in yer pocket, without this book… yer shite out of luck.