Top 10 Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend
Written by: Nichole Sweeting
September 24, 2008
Filed Under People
All you need is love. Unfortunately, love is not everything to some people. They need more. The world we live in may be a reason to become paranoid of strangers, and suspicious of our own family, at times. However, when you are in a relationship, those feelings should subside. For some, the fears go away without a second thought. For others, it is hard to trust. That is the main reason a boyfriend can become a controlling nightmare.
It is hard to pinpoint the answer to why this behavior exists, but, if you feel as if you are being controlled, being able to identify the behavior is your first step to freedom.
10. Always By Your Side
If you are in a relationship where it seems that you have no time to yourself, chances are you have a controlling boyfriend. He never wants you to go anywhere without him. There is no more “girls night out” for you and your friends, unless he is with you. Doesn’t sound like a good time.
9. Do What He Likes
When you do go out, it is to an event that HE chooses. You may not feel like going to a movie, but it is what he wants to do, for example. Also, his turning down an offer to do what you would like is a key sign that he is not flexible. It often leaves the impression that he does not care about your interests. He may, or may not, but he is not supportive either way.
8. Do Things For Him
“Honey, go pick up some soda for me.” sounds like a genuine request for assistance. If your boyfriend is constantly asking you to run errands, without including you as the benefactor, this is another sign of the need to feel in control. Instead of “…pick up some soda for me.”, the request should be, “We’re out of soda. Can you go pick some up, please?”. Can you see the difference? WE are in need of soda, simply.
7. No Manners
In the previous example, the “please” was left out intentionally. Your boyfriend will not be polite. He will not say “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, “please” or even “excuse me” to you. It is because he is expecting you to comply with his requests. He also feels as if you should be thanking him for allowing you to do things for him.
6. Questions, Questions
When you can finally break through the chains, and find some free time for yourself, be prepared: your controlling boyfriend will interrogate you when you return. Putting himself in a “father figure” position will install more of a sense of control. Treating you like a child that went to the mall, prior to doing her homework, is the kind of humiliation in you he is trying to achieve.
5. No Questions, No Answers
Unlike the aforementioned subject, your boyfriend will come and go as he pleases, without answering to anyone – especially to you. If you try to question his whereabouts or activities, he will become defensive. The subject will immediately transfer from your asking, “where were you?” to his comeback remark about how you nag him too much, or something similar to that effect. He will ignore answering the question, and make you feel guilty for asking it. This is in hope that you will not do it again.
4. He’s Always Right
In an argument with a controlling personality, it is very difficult for him to accept defeat. The controlling boyfriend will get more defensive, change the subject, or bring up a past occurrence, when he was, indeed, correct, in order to prove his point with the issue at hand. He may not always be right, completely, but he is never wrong.
3. Can’t Buy Me Love
Fools gold has been around for centuries. However, a fool AND his gold have special meaning to the controlling boyfriend. He will buy you nice jewelry, take you to expensive restaurants and maybe even offer to pay a debt of yours. He will say it is because he loves you. Not true. He needs to feel superior to you. You now owe him, in his mind. Who is the fool? To him, you are.
2. You’re Worthless
Belittling your self-confidence can be have very serious consequences. Making you feel as if you are worthless without him, the controlling boyfriend will prey on times that you may be stressed the most. If you have just lost a job, or if you are experiencing normal hormonal reactions, this is the time he will strike. He wants you to feel as if life is not worth living without him. It’s hard to believe, but his confidence level is actually lower than yours.
1. No Means No
This is the most upsetting trait that a controlling boyfriend can display. If he forces you to do things, against your will, he is not in love with you. Whether it is going to a baseball game, when you hate outdoor stadiums, or, even more harsh an act, makes you perform sexually against your will, he is NOT in love with you. Not showing you the courtesy to respect your wishes is not a behavior that goes away. This will continue as an abusive relationship, where you will be treated as an object, instead of a person.
In conclusion, we all need to feel love in our lives. We all can find love in so many people that are in our lives already. Make sure you listen to the advice of your family and friends. They know you best, and care about you more than the rude, violent, controlling boyfriend that buys you the same cheap flowers after an altercation. You should always remember to respect yourself, and not be fooled into believing that you are any less of a person than anyone else. Put yourself on a pedestal, and never let any boyfriend make you feel as if you don’t belong there.
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FOR REAL
true one should be treated like they worth it all the time
Abuse is becoming a plague, it’s really pathetic men behave this way because of their own insecurities. I’ve been in an abusive relationship before, now when I see these red flags I run away as fast as I can no matter how much in love I think I am or how much I want a man in my life. I’m better off alone than with an abusive partner. The hardest part about leaving an abusive situation is getting to know yourself again. Sounds strange but when you don’t remember what kind of clothes you like to wear, or what music and movies you prefer, you’re in trouble. Please keep the information on this circulating, women need to know even the most subtle signs because the abuse will eventually get worse.
My girlfriend doesn’t mind me being always by her side as I have particularly agreeable breath.
My boyfriends does every little thing up there and its hard because at the same time no matter how bad i feel about myself for being with him i won’t leave him..i don’t know why but i feel pathetic we just got into an arguement not even 20min ago and of course i can never win..i know im not going to be with him forever because i already have a hard time dealing with him but…i just don’t know how to leave..
I have a controlling boyfriend and i cant get him to leave
Told him i be his friend cant except that
it his way or no way
He does everything i read it is pretty scary so his is temper
I cant even have friends
Its sad when he wants to go threw my phone
and everything
The worst thing he is a mommas boy
my dad his trying so hard to stay out of my bussiness but he dont want to see his little girl ….
So I think, that it is a common problem, I also had such problems, but I managed to go though it.
wow
12346 10 Hey need a little help I’m in a relationship with a guy thats 9 yrs older than me and having a few probs. He can be real sweet buying me gift and going out his way to do thing for me but he makes sure i know that he has gone out his way just for me. he always says i can go out with mates and do what i want but at the back he constantly texts and calls and if i dont respond straight away he goes off his head and calls me every name under the sun and uses information i told him against me, he has also threatened me. but everything is my fault as i lied in past as to why i never called when out with mates even tho i’m innocent, i never cheated but knew how he’d react knowing they were male. He wont accept appologies and says i must make amends for everything i’v done to him or else there will be consequences. He’s says he is like this cause he loves me so much and worries about me?
Almost all those things sums up my relationship with my now year and 3 month relationship,and for the past maybe 6 months I’ve been contemplateing leaving him,I did before but he pulls the guilt trip that drives me back to him.I love him but been comtemplating our whole relationship for so long my health has gone out the window.I used to be in perfect shape and active and going out almost every night with friends…not im border line technically over-weight for my size and I really want to go to a mental health facility to get some help,he’s literally drove me insane a few times.
I am confused, i live with a guy who does not hit me or shouts abuse, but i feel like he is more of a father figure to me. I gave up my home to live with him, so i am basically relying on him now, he has control of the money, so the little i earn does not pay much, he tells me how to treat my kids, wants to be completely involved although sometimes i think he goes over the top. He rarely touches me, the once a week sex is always with me wearing stockings and its basic. He dictates to me and never wrong. But i feel comforted by him although not flirty or sexual, he more like a father than a boyfriend. He never flirts with me, just likes it when i act child like and comforts me. I feel i am missing out on love and great sex. I have nothing so i cant leave now. He hates me going out or wanting to see my mates, so i usually feel bad and dont bother going any more.
I had every one of these with a previous boyfriend, you dnt want to see it but in the end you have to.
Every point he was like. In the end he hit me as well as slag me off and be little me in front of people.
You must walk away, I started tellin people to make me reliease how bad it was then i could walk
Abi
So iv read some cases of women here who admted that there in Bad relatinships. look you girls have to WALK AWAY and go to the police to keep these pycos away!
and find a GOOD MAN. there are places that can help you get out of this kind of shit
Nikki, Jill, Julie, Kyera, Teresa, all you girls! I just got out of a controlling relationship 5 months ago. I made plans with a girl friend and just blind sighted him and moved out. All because of a guy i saw on TV. He was smiling, genuinely nice, sweet, sensitive, and just straight up HOT. i had never looked at other men while dating this boyfriend, but when i looked at him i thought ” how much happier would i be, dating someone who is simply NICE. just NICE, and having the will to make me happy like us women have the will to make our men happy?” I couldnt even imagine that kind of treatment. And then it hit me. It’s possible. In fact, these kind of men are more common than the controlling ones. Because of some kind of emotional problem or situation of our past, some women (like you) attract this abuse. We hate it, but our subconciousness pulls in in. And i just started smiling uncontrollably as if i discovered a buried treasure. I was out that weekend. On that day I asked my brother keeping an eye on me and to check on me often. Had my dad threaten my (ex) bf to step in if he interfered. Thats when another thing hit me. Your boyfriend isnt as scary or tough as he makes himself appear to you. he wants you to fear him, he’s ACTING! you’re the girl who paid (her precious and wasted time) to watch it and take it in. He won’t do anything but beg. And i don’t have to tell you that once you give in his promise is void. Thats already a given. You know it, so expect him to beg and dont believe a word he says. thats just some more acting. So it was hard the first two weeks, i missed him. I wont lie. It really hurt not to know where he was, what he was doing without me. But then one day you wake up and think “hey, im alright! i didnt need him. Im happy.” and you look at life like a blank canvas, ready to be painted however YOU want to paint it. And never be attracted to the type of guy who wants to paint it for you, ever every again.
i am really confused. my boyfriend has some signs but i dont know if its just me over reacting or what…….not to long ago he needed me to say that” it was his way or the highway.” when i confronted him about saying that i wouldnt say it he told me he was leaving. Finally i said it and he said he just wanted to know if i would hold my ground. We have been together for three months and im so happy but i dont know if things will get worst….. What do i do?
Control escalates, so if in 3 months already shows signs, what do you think it will happened is 3 years. After 2 years of the most wonderful relationship, one day out of the blue he made a comment about my shirt in a way that I felt I have been put down, and I cried, I could not believe I got my feelings heart, it cought me off guard, he manipulated the conversation in a way that I ended up saying ok I will not wear it again. Then a year later, after being the sweetest man alive, romantic, loving, passionate, suddenly one day he bang his hand on the table to get my attention, I was so puzzled, where does this come from?, I asked to myself, so on and so forth until the day came when I found myself 2 years later on the kitchen floor being kicked because I would not give him a postcard he made me believe it was addressed to him from his ex, (it was addressed to his daughter), I had something that belong to him and I had violated his personal belongin. Control escalates, and red flags should be taken serious, love feels good, period. Good luck to you all
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 9 months and in the beginning, there really were no signs. I hung out with who I wanted, texted who I wanted and over-all just had my own life apart from him.
However, about 4 months into the relationship, he started showing me resentment whenever I texted a guy or hung out friends . He would text me ALL the time if we weren’t together. Soon, we started hanging out more and more. Being my first relationship, I didn’t know how to take what was happening.
Now, he a questions me about every guy he sees me waving to in the halls. He asks a million questions about how I know them and if I talk to them a lot. He even has a specific list of guys that he is confortable with me talking to, consisiting of his best friends, 2 of my guy friends, and gay guys. Of course, I still have to “limit” with them.
Another thing he does is criticize my wearing shirts that are “too revealing.” He gets upset whenever I show even a little too much chest.
Honestly, I don’t listen to anything. I’m 15 years old and don’t feel condemed to listen to his restrictions. I lie to him everyday when he asks me if I “limit.” I talk to whoever I want, even if its behind his back.
I do love him, but he has exceeded his rights as my boyfriends and has no right to limit a thing in my life. I’ve never cheated on him. He’s my first and only. I’ve told him this and we’ve talked about it, but he simply finds a way to turn the tables on me and say I’m “breaking a promise” if I don’t do the things he tells me to.
I’ve tried to break up with him (just this week, actually) but I always end up staying after he begs me. He is incredibly persistant when trying to get me back.
I don’t know what to do.
okay i havent been dateing this guy for about 5 months now.
and i finally told him about my past, which hes been dieing to know
about since day one. i was scared to tell him becz i wasnt the best person in the world (not that hes any beter) but now he cheacks my fone everyday to make sure i dont talk to anyone but him. i have to swear on every little thing. im so stressed out about it. im not aloud to talk to anyone and to make sure of that HE
changed my myspace password. and when he breaks up with me and i try to talk to him, he tells me to shut up becz im a worthless whore. and he tells me the ony reason he wont acttually leave is becz without him i’ll never be anything to anyone but a used plaything.
Xheni yoo my boyfriend iiS soo the freaking same he gets mad ova a promise ii “break”like when he’s out with his friends he gets mad because iii text his friend to ask for him..he gets mad when ii wear a shirt that showsz a little ..he alwaysz goes threw my phone aLoT and deleted all the guysz number ..I`ve been with him for 3 yearsz I`m 17 he’s 18 ….b4 he was never like this psh..was good with these guysz and b4 ii neva was with a kid like this i use to dead it but with my boyfriend i can’t i love him alot …so damn is crazy.& he don’t let me party like seriously i hAve a feeling we aint going to last long…=/
gurlz dont let this bring you down life isint fair bcuz if it waz i wud have ma own kar had a kid wit da persn i lub bt i kant ..dnt let hem bring u dwn stan up to hem telm jux bcuz ur doin sum wrng dosent mean ima du da same ignore hem even though its hard it helpz go out bhind his bak have fun to foget bou hem
hey, im 15 and i found this website because im confused iv talked to my mom about it because at one time she went through it. but i dont know if im over reacting or not. i have been dateing my bf for about 3 months and iv seen some signs but not all and some im not so sure about. but i care about him and dont want to break up with him. but if he is controlling then i need to but im not sure if he is. like he is a physical person always holding my hand or touching my arm. somthing when were together and iv told him secrets that iv never wanted repeated but im not sure if he would hold it against me. plus he already said he loved me and i told him im not ready for a serious realationship at 15. and like if he wantes me to do somthing if we are talking on the phone he would say things like ” i command u” or “misey u better do this” but joeking he says and im an independent person i dont take orders and when he says these things i say “huh u only wish” or somthing smart. but is he really joeking? and he flips when i talk to others guys and i know thats a red flag but idk. and i love to read but it seems like i dont have me time. well im sick right now so sorry if i cant spell but if anyone could help i would really appreciate it. and any advice would be great to
Any red flags, even only 1 or 2 of them does end up getting worse. once the guy stops you from talking to your other guy friends, family or text or email every second of your time- like the one said she likes to read and her boyfriend won’t let her- time to move on. I have read these replies and most are from teens. I am a mom of a 19yr daughter in ohio. 1 RED FLAG IS 1 TOO MANY- GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. no ifs, ands, or buts. GET OUT GO HOME, GO TO A SHELTER(SAY ABUSE), OR WELFARE OFFICE.
If any guy stops you from ANYTHING you like to do before he came into your life- he is controlling- it starts out as a small incident and in 2 years time he has you all to himself and your self esteem is gone.
my boyfriend is always going through my phone he dosent likee it when i go out he dont like any of my friends he deletes guys off my msn he tells me what to wear but at times he can be really nicee and sweet and do stuff for me but he gets shitty at me then next minute he is all like i love you and stuff and acts like it never happens and he alays makes me feel bad for sumthink he has donee.
what do i doo can you please help me..?
ive been with my bf for a year and he is completely controlling and paranoid! i feel as though i cant go out, he dosn’t like my friends, he calls me sneaky, and talks down to me. He constantly thinks im hiding things and convinces himself of this. i love him but hes got me questioning myself and feeling down. i dont wanna live like this but due to him i have little friends and i feel i wil be alone without him. He can be great but the bad weighs out the good.. im so confused!
Had only this type of info been available 13 yrs. ago..I would not be in the nasty divorce I am in now. Ladies listen up….get your education, don’t let anyone tell you your job is “in the home”. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your family and friends for anyone…it only gets worse..you then walk away after 13 yr. w/ out a penny because they will then control the family finances ensuring you have nothing to start over w/.
I’m in an abusive relationship.
I’m just an object, not a person.
He can be the sweetest person on earth, holding me in his arms and saying that he loves me, but he always get so angry for nothing, and once he even told me that I could “f*ck off, and go to hell”, just because we disagreed on something.
His mother hates me, and he supports her, even if she is saying something that hurts me. I cannot explain my side of the story in any matter, because he refuse to listen to me. He screams at me, telling me how dumb I am, telling me that I should feel ashamed of how I behave, even though I haven’t done anything wrong..I am embarrased that I’m so weak in this relationship, that I let him do this to me. My friends knew me as a strong woman - Now I’m just so vulnerable and trapped. He makes me feel worthless, and I think there is a part of him that enjoys it.
My friends tells me: “I don’t think he loves you anymore”. That’s what hurt the most. Facing the truth. And still I can’t seem to break free.
i have been in this relationship and towards the end it got violent as my strong will decided to question his actions, as he felt he was loing control he became more and more violent, i had a child with this bully also and he now tries to bully me still through her!! For example asking for full custody taking me to court and trying to convince the court i had depression and that’s why i left. Convinced his family that i was the one who was unbalanced not him. The first thing you should do when realising you are in this kind of relationship is RUN get out and get out quick otherwise you will be a crushed shadow of the person you were before this nightmare.
i’ve been with my boyfriend for over just a year and the signs on this website are showing as night and day, he controls me in every way, even what program i am watching, if i want to watch a program he says “it’s crap turn that crap off, why are you watching it?” (without swearing included) and when i say i want to watch it he says he will go home if i don’t turn it off, when he watches something he watches what he wants and he watches the TV all day without a concern about me, i have never told him what he watches is crap or to turn it off becasue i am not like that, he watches a lot of sport and i find that boring, he does the same thing when i play a computer game, as soon as i put it on he starts insulting the game with swearing, i can’t enjoy anything anymore, it’s always about him, his way, when it comes to problems like financial problems he is never concerned about my problems yet when it comes to him it’s like the whole world needs to drop everything for him.
he sold my pet cat because he didn’t like it miaowing, now hw wants to get a new cat with me but i am concerned that the same thing will happen again, i told him you can’t get rid of children the same way.
he snaps and gets angry at everything, every small thing gets him angry and sometimes i feel exhausted because of what he does, i just can’t be myself, one thing i can honestly say is that he has never hit me ever, but what will stop him in the future? we argue almost every day over silly stuff.
i feel since i have met him last year i have neglected myself, before i met him i was 11 stone, now i am almost 15, i am unable to eat what i want to eat which is healthy food, all he eats is junk, and my body reflects that now, sometimes i feel that i want to kill myself to escape my torment, it doesn’t help that i suffer from severe depression, he also suffers from it too which makes the relationship hard for us.
the reason i don’t want to leave him is because i don’t want to be alone, and i also want children, i’m not getting any younger as i am nearly 30 so i almost feel desperate staying with him.
I am with a man now that is all of the above mentioned article and then some. It has been just over 2 years for us, but we haven’t lived together in over 7 months (thank God) however: he is still in my life. I cannot seem to let him go. Why? I do love him, but my love for him is not nearly as strong as it once was. I wonder “WHAT” is there to love? His behavior is a huge turn-off. A person can only take so much.
He has gone through my phones, phone books, drawers, bills, paperwork. If I go to the corner store, and I’m gone “longer” than he anticipates he will be calling me on my cell and/or questioning (more like an interrogation) me when I do get home about “Where was I?” “Why was I gone so long?” Who was I with???” and so on. It’s pathetic. And it always ends with “he KNOWS I am cheating…” UUGGHHHH
He is CONSTANTLY accusing me of cheating on him. I mean CONSTANTLY. Every freaking time we talk it will surface at some point in a conversation. I’m screwing my neighbors (which I am not of course) I’m screwing people I work with (which I am not) whenever he is not at my house, I’ve got a man up here with me (which I do not) and he has even gone as far as accusing me of sleeping with my girlfriends (which I have not). He is flippin’ nuts.
The only thing we do have is awesome sex. He is the best lover I’ve ever had. As these months have gone by (and trust me, we are seeing less and less of each other and I feel better every time, no more tears when he “punishes” me for no reason) I have grown weary of him. A person can only take so much of that crap. And I am happy to report that I no longer get upset when he’s accusing me of cheating on him. I’m so used to and sick of it that it doesn’t really bother me anymore. I’m actually happy when he fights with me b/c then I don’t have to talk to him. Perfect.
All he’s good for is a booty call. He’s a HORRIBLE boyfriend. Insecure, jealous, controlling, man he does have issues. He even says what a “mess” his life is. Boo-Hoo for him. He’s his own worst enemy, and I’ve told him many times. But of course, I don’t have a clue what I am talking about and therefore I am not worthy of an opinion. Yeah, whatever.
He was great in the beginning, but somethig happened to him. I don’t know what, but something happened. I’ll never know and that’s fine with me. Because I don’t care enough anymore to want to know what happened to him. All I know is I’ve been the best woman I could be to him and NEVER cheated on him.
It’s too bad for him because if he doesn’t deal with the issues he has, he will never be able to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE. I’ve told him this as well, and of course I don’t know what I’m talking about.
He has crossed the line with me one too many times and I am sick of it. I feel much stronger and know I will be just fine (in fact, much BETTER) without him. There are many fish in the sea, and I don’t intend on being alone forever.
There are not too many worse things than being accused of cheating when you are NOT and feeling alone in a relationship. It’s not normal.
help me! I don’t know how to get out of this relationship I been trying since last year in june. but I can’t ever get away. he gave me a phone and pays the bill we have a son and I don’t live with him but with my mom I’m 17 n I can’t leave him because he says I am ruining our sons like I know he’s wrong. but when I say its over he just comes over demanding to talk crying and makin me feel guilty. he is a controlling stalking overly obssessed jealous boyfriend . I’m always with him except when I’m sleeping and that’s because I am at my house but if I don’t call or answer his calls he goes insane honking his horn bangin on my door.i don’t know what to do!!!
if u read the coment by me please email me some advice.
I have given this much thought and my suggestion for getting rid of a controlling boyfriend is this, but you must really want to get rid of him because it works. Because a controlling person has to make all decisions and have the final say, you will never get rid of him by telling him to leave or by leaving him,this will take away his power and control,he will not have it. The trick is to make him miserable in the relationship by allowing him to feel unloved and unimportant but you have to do this slowly and almost unnoticably. Eventually but it takes time, he will feel he is loosing control but not know why he will want out and with this he will believe that he made the decision to leave and that he is in controll when in all actuality it was you in control and you are rid of this sick controlling monster for good. Just don’t take him back he will never change.
i have a Controlling boyfriend and everything in this wesite is true he does everything this artical is talking about even more. i dont know how to leave him i want to but it seem like i cant, he done cheated on me so many times.i stared going out with him when i was 17 years old and now i’m 19 years old about to be 20. i’m just so use to it. he went out to night we got in to argument because i wanted to know where he was going and how long he was going to be out. but he got and just left. who knows he might with some girl i dont care i just want out!!!!!!!!!!! he hits me and hurts me so much i cant think of anyone eles but him like what is he doing and where is he at. and just like this artical says no questions no answer. they are right thats him. but i think he likes to do the most to me is pull my hair out because he know that means everything to me he says he does it because he know that i would look good with out hair and knowone would want me. he also tells me that i’m nothing with out him and now i belive it sad i know. but its the truth i even went to jail for him becuase i though he would change the hiting and the Controlling. but he didnt………….i just need someone out there to help me please i want out soo bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To melissa, you need to devise a plan and stick with it. But first you must be serious about leaving him. You didn’t mention if he would become dangerous if you leave. Do you live together? If you do and you want to leave you first need to call a hotline for domestic violence they can provide you with a safe place to go with protection. You have perfect opportunity to leave because he goes out at night. You can make an escape with the help of the hotline.please liaten to me and get started with your plan to run. You are in terrible danger. If he is pulling your hair out then he could eventually kill you.he is no good get out now while he is gone.call the hotline now and don’t leave any traces cover your trails
Ive been dating a guy for 7 months and im 18 weve been going through alot latley but it seems like theres no reason for us to even be going through have the stuff we go through.Ill think everythings just fine then outta know where its like i did something wrong.I came on this site and i realized that my boyfriend does a lot of these. I tried to convince myself at first that since he didnt do all of them then he wasnt contolling but i know he is.THe biggest problem is no matter what he puts me through im not gonna leave him i couldnt see myself with out him hes like everything i want when hes not in one of his moods and truthfully i know it will get worse but i know i cant leave cause im scared of being a lone you know.My self esteem level isnt that high so its kinda like ive been trapped cause everything he does works .He can easily make me feel bad about myself he doesnt want me going out with my friends and he doesnt like my friends which is why i just dont have any anymore.He doesnt want me going to the movies or the mall or the club or a party with or with out him and at first i thought of that as great cause i dont want him anywhere either where girls will be trying to hit on him but the more i look at it i have no freedom and im trapped.We always fight and it always ends the same but one day i want us to have a family and a house and everything he said well have but reading all of these comments its let me see that it most likley wont happen and if it does im not gonna be the happy go lucky wife i imagine.I just dont know how to leave and i dont want to and i wish we could just fix him but i know i cant so what do i do now.
You should get support from others who arent controlling. I think you all should make a decision fast. Know that in all essense you have to the power to control your future. I just ended my relationship. Im know it was the right thing to do.
I got this from another website. It is on the interweb somewhere.
A Controller is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. A Controller has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of A Controller, women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.
The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of a Controller and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships, before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with a Controller in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present, it’s not a probability or possibility, you will be hurt and damaged by a Controller if you stay in the relationship.
http://www.homestudycredit.com/courses/contentCR/secCR16.html
1. Rough Treatment: A Controller will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male Controllers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female Controllers often slap, kick, and even punch their male partners when upset.
2. Quick Attachment and Expression: The Controller has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to a Controller is how quickly he or she says, “I Love You,” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point - it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship, because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause a Controller to detach from you as quickly as they committed. A Controller typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
3. Frightening Temper: A Controller has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they’re mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to “witnessed violence” - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although a Controller quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you, but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.
4. Killing Your Self-Confidence: A Controller repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard,” unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly, as though you deserved it. In public, you will be “walking on eggshells” always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
5. Cutting Off Your Support: In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. A Controller feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. A Controller begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don’t understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can’t get rid of your best same-sex friend, a Controller will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, a Controller will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you’ll develop the feeling that it’s better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. A Controller then tells you they are treating you badly again, and you’d be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.
6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle: A Controller cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow a Controller to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. A Controller often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.
7. It’s Always Your Fault: A Controller blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly, it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the male Controller drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. A Controller tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. A Controller never, repeat “never,” takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them, it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not him) as they didn’t use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
8. Breakup Panic: A Controller panics at the idea of breaking up, unless it’s totally their idea, then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female Controllers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area, as though you will be responsible for those decisions. A Controller offers a multitude of “deals” and halfway measures, like “Let’s just date one more month!”
They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative Controllers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male Controller technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female Controller technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner), and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back, you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of Controller - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.
9. No Outside Interests: A Controller will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.
10. Paranoid Control: A Controller will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some Controllers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech Controllers may encourage you to make “private” calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night, a Controller will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows Controller to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.
11. Public Embarrassment: In an effort to keep you under control while in public, Controller will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with Controller too long, you’ll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You’ll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in Controller.
12. It’s Never Enough: A Controller convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say “I love you” enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
13. Entitlement: A Controller has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, Controller feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him: As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what a Controller is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. A Controller will tell you they are jealous of the “special love” you have, and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them, eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. A Controller will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to, even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.
15. Bad Stories: People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. A Controller tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and, in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts, because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the “I don’t take nothing from nobody” attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way.
16. The Waitress Test: It’s been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time a Controller has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap, you’ll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment, that’s how they’ll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt, hit the road.
17. The Reputation: As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. A Controller may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit - you clearly understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there. A Controller may actually brag about their reputation as a “butt kicker,” “womanizer,” “hot temper,” or “being crazy.” They may tell you stories where other’s have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, a Controller will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with Controllers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of a Controller, it’s because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
18. Walking on Eggshells: As a relationship with a Controller continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself “walking on eggshells” in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of a Controller. Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you’ll have to explain later), and fearful that you’ll see someone you’ll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone, exactly what a Controller wants, no interference with their control or dominance.
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions: A Controller is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. A Controller has no interest in your opinion or your feelings, but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. A Controller is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
20. They Make You “Crazy”: A Controller operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing “crazy” things in self-defense. If a Controller is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm, you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female Controllers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are “going crazy,” it’s important to remember that there is no such thing as “normal behavior” in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from a Controller before permanent psychological damage is done
Hi everyone, I just read the info from the website that was posted and I wish I could have read it eight long years ago. My boyfriend, who just walked out on me this past monday fot the fourth time in eight years, was all but one of those red flags. Believe it or not, but even the waitress test wich occured in the first month of our dating. He is gone now but I am sure he thinks I will take him back as I have done so many times in the past. But I have news for him, I will not. He has abused me emotionally in such a severe and intense way that I am now scarred. I will most likely have to seek couseling. Please, everyone, read the information it is there to help you.
HI, I don’t know if my boyfriend fits everything but he does do some weird things. I just don’t know if I’m exaggerating or if this is actually a problem.
One he keeps doing super nice things for me all the time, even if I don’t mind doing them. Then he will bring it up again how, “Oh I cleaned everything” and make me feel bad because I got mad at him.
He doesn’t work, or drive and doesn’t have a phone so I drive him places and pay for things and let him use my phone and I mean I offer to do this for him because I love him, but I figured at one point he would just get a job or do stuff for himself. I feel taken advantage of and I try to get him to have a job and help him in every way possible but he just doesn’t do anything.
I mean he is so sweet and he doesn’t check on my phone at all or facebook, but the other day I was so sick of him not doing anything that we broke up. But low and behold he sent me a message 3 days later saying how I was the love of his life and all this stuff and how he wanted to be back together with me and hasn’t slept since we broke up. It made me feel like shit. Because he realized he couldn’t do anything without me, and I don’t want that.
He also is never, ever wrong. ever. I just feel so weak and don’t know how to say no I don’t want to date anymore without hurting him. We have been dating for two and a half years…
What are some good ways besides just leaving?
To meagan, yes, even though he comes through as a nice guy, he still is in control. He has you doing most everything including most of all supporting him. He is pretty sly that way because he knows that if being a nice guy is all it take for a free ride than why not. To me, he seems to be displaying true signs of someone who has what is called dependent personality disorder. You should research this on the web. However, he does not seem to be a good match for you. Most people with this type of beavior usually never amount to much without proffessional help. You are better off finding someone who is more compatible with you. You seem to be a pleaser but this is not good when it is all one sided. When it is like this you become the enabler, allowing him to continue his dependent behaviors. Maybe a break up I what he needs to go get some help and who knows maybe you both can get back together but under diffferent and better circumstances. Good luck and feel free to write back
I have been in a relationship for 11 years, we have a 6 year old son together. He uses my son as an excuse to get to me. I asked him to move out 2 years ago. We have no custody agreement and he gives me $50.00 a week in support. This is because he makes me feel bad because he has another son whom he pays $100.00 a week for. Anyway it was always an excuse why he doesn’t have money and I end up paying. We sort of got together again because I went out and had one too many and it was his opportunity to have sex. Now if I refuse sex he gets mad and slams things, burns out and tells me there is something wrong with me, I am 42 years old and have many responsibilities…. He is 47 years old what’s up with that? If he doesn’t get his way he yells and has tantrums. How am I going to stop this, he and his mother make so many degrading remarks to me. I have my own home and I am raising my son by myself. He goes out whenever he wants and goes on trips and lives with his mother. If i go out he is calling my cell phone and wants to meet me(probably to take advantage of me). If I don’t answer he says I am up to something. He rarely takes our son, he lives with his mother and keeps his other son but not ours. I want to go for custody and child support but I am afraid. Am I wrong for not giving in? I am afraid to leave our son alone with him, he is not physically abusive but has a bad temper and our son had ADHD so it scares me and he doesn’t keep a good eye on him.
Hi, My boyfriend is nice an caring , but when he gets angry he gets very quite and if I ask him why he is quite he starts saying rude things to me which he is aware will hurt my feelings, any decision I make is not good enough and have to keep him aware of all the places am going or people am meeting. If he is in a good mood then I need to be in a good mood .. if he is a bad mood phoo… i shouldnt uttter a word .
I know he loves me a lot and I too love him we intend to get married soon .. and have been seeing him for 5yrs now .. but he’s never hit me or be physically absuive so dont know if am gonna do the write thing
help me
Lolo NO NO!! Just because he doesn’t hit you it does not justify his other controlling and abusive behaviors towards you. He is not marriage material. It will only get worse once he thinks he owns you with a piece of paper that states you are his wife. A marriage is based on trust and is a fifty fifty commitment. This guy does not posess any of these features or abilities.
from reading the 10 signs i’ve noticed that i’ve been being controlled since day one because my boyfriend has ALL do you hear me ALL the signs of being a controllig man. me and my boyfriend has been together for 4 years and he’s 35 and i’m 23 years old. he doesn’t let me use his phone for importabt phone calls, he doesn’t let me go anywhere without him knowing where i am i cnt even go outside for ten minutes without him telling me to come upstairs. even though im only 23 but i feel as if i’m his mothers age, i gets no FREEDOM as an adult. dont get me wrong he pays the bills and furnishes my apartment but when he’s mad he throws it in my face. we just had angument 20 minutes ago because his daughter is 17 she’ll be 18 next month and she lives in our house better yet MY house and she has nothing going on she’s not doing well in anythhing thats going to help her future out, so i complained and as a CONTROL freak that he is he turned the tables on me,then at the end of the convo thats when he aadmits i’m right but at the same time it’s like why the tables turned? i dont get it , i love him but sometimes i wish i were single.thanx 4 hearing me out.
***** I need your advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 8 months. We have lived together for a year and a half but we are very controlling of eachother. We do everything together… EVERYTHING. Meaning, no personal space at all. If we are at work, we still are on the phone. It was not controlling at first but as time went on, it just got worse. Even for how unhappy we are, we still stay together.
MAIN PROBLEMS:
****** I make him unhappy because when he looks at another female I’ll give him attitude. One glance is okay but if he takes a second look or stares, I get mad. That will trigger his short fuse and we will be in a fight all day because of it.
****** He makes me unhappy because of his short temper. The smallest thing will create a big fight all day. The fight just builds and builds until we are so angry at eachother. He smokes weed throughout the day and when he doesnt smoke it, he seems like a different person. Someone so pissed off at life.
***** I NEED YOUR ADVICE!! I love him and he tells me he loves me too. We will never be able to give eachother personal space. Should I worry about how he smokes weed all the time? Am I in the wrong? Do you think this would ever lead to happiness? Thank you for your help. - Julie
****** I left this out from my previous post.
- I am 21 years old and my boyfriend will be turning 24 in December.
- We both are in college and have many things in common.
- I tried to ask him to go talk to someone with me to get help but he wont go.
- Julie
Hey… Umm I was with my girl for 3yrs and 7 months age recently broke up with me on friday the 14th I was breaking that poor girls heart she always told me that I was controlling and It bothered b/c I felt it wasn’t me my only issue with her was that we never did anything fun she only had fun with her friends and put them first and I felt I needed to compete with them. They were her new friends so it wasn’t like she was close to them and did those things with them when we met. So I was constantly feeling left out… Well long story short… She told me to look up controlling boyfriend and I did and I cried my eyes out b/c considered a “controlling boyfriend” but the reasons behind why a controller does that wasn’t the reason why I was doing it and it really hurt me to know that she felt thar way and thought I was doing to belittle her or feel superior… Well now I’m going to see a therapist in hopes of me changing and becoming a better person and hoping to some day get back with her my question is… Can I really change from that or I’ll be this monster for the rest of my life?!! Oh and girls talk to ur bf let him know how u really feel not what he wants to hear. if he don’t change when u tell him what’s wrong the way it should be told then leave… He ain’t changing and if u love him u leaving him for good will open his eyes if not now eventually…
IF you get a bf do not fall far the I care about you so much story or the things of my past i can not make it without you. mind games i just got out of a relationship and he was a very controlling person. I had to look at the floor when another guy walked passed me or if i went out with friends and family he yelled at me like where were you why did you not tell me anything. made me feel as if i had to tell him everything, he could not stand my parents. He always tried to bring things up from the past it is one of the many mind games they play. He had me so up his rump i did not care for my feelings anymore or friends or family just his. When you feel like you have someone trying to control your life. End that relationship run for help, i am now changing my cell and house number and i had to delete my internet sites is that said or what. I have to watch my life b/c he threaten to kill my family. Keep your mind open because mine we worked at the same job even after that we would go to his house i would stay over there from 9:30 - 2:30 am then when got home i would have to call him and whe would stay on the phone tell 6:00am then go to work at 2:00pm and this would go on for months not enough time he said to spend together. All to keep me under his control make me feel so sorry for him. I gave him the most important thing that belonged to me that was my virginity. I am 20 but you know i was saving that tell marriage but i thought we would but he just got to controlling and i loved him at the time. Just one day i had enough so i broke my ties with him and split up and i am glad where never going to get back together. Just be warned for people like that i am telling you this for your own safety and b/c i do not want you to be a victim like me.
ok im a GUY and i hav 1 or 2 of these signs…but im so worried that ima get worse u kno and i wanna b wit dis gurl for a while…and idk IVE BEEN GOIN TO COUNSELING FOR ABOUT 2 AND A HALF WEEKS SO FAR AND IM TRYNA MAKE A CHANGE BUT ITS HARD CUZ I GREW UP AROUND NEGATIVE MA WHOLE LIFE AND I HAV AN IDEA OF A GUD RELATIONSHIP BUT IDK ITS STILL HARD AS IDK WAT AND I HAV A SHORT TEMPER BUT IM GOIN TO COUNSELING 4 IT DO U THINK I HAVE A CHANCE TO CHANGE….IM SOOOO WORRIED ABOUT MA FUTURE WIT FEMALES…IM TRYNA DO THA WRITE THING BUT ITS HARD AND I HEAR MA GURL SAY SUMTIMES IF IDONT GET WAT I WANT…THAT IM CONTROLLING CUZ I TRY TO MAKE HER DO SUMTIN DAT SHE DONT WANNA DO BUT MOST OF THA TIME I DROP IT EVENTUALLY….JUS IM TRYNA FIND OUT IF U THINK COUNSELING HELPS OR IF I SHUD JUS GIV UP ON MA GURL CUZ I DONT WANNA HURT HER IN A PHYSICAL WAY BUT AT TIMES I SAY MEAN THINGS TO MAKE HER C THAT SHE HURT ME..AND I WORK ON TRUSTING HER WIT DUDES WEN SHE TALKS TO THEM DO YOU THINK THAT HELPS THA 2 OR 3 SIGNS I HAVE????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? CUZ IM RELE TRYNA CHANGE FOR THA BETTER BUT ITS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD CUZ GREW UP AROUND NEGATIVE AND I JUS DONT WANNA HURT A GIRL U KNO…WE JUS GOT INA LIL FIGHT TONITE CUZ SHE DIDNT DO WAT SHE SAID SHE WAS GUNNA DO SO I GOT UPSET….HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ DO YOU THINK ME GOIN TO COUNSELING WILL HELP??????????????????????????? HELLLLLLLP PLZZZ
What if you are the controlling boy friend? Or you see the signs of them within you, but you dont want to be controlling… it really is not that easy….
How can i not be controlling?
i’ve been in a FEW abusive relationships each get worse and worse! I’m a STUPID GIRL I know. Just be tough and leave! but dont play games, its over u dont get in contact with him either leave him alone!No texting, driving by his house or anything! if he threatens u call the cops or threaten to call the cops and possible or few charges may save the next girl! I know everybody’s situation is different sso if u have a child do this same thing and go through the courts!
My Boyfriend is military police
I feel he is very controlling, information ive told him personal of abuse
he then uses it against me, or if ive mentioned something about my parents
He threatens me with he going tro tell them finishing with him I feel will be difficult
because of what he might do.
slates my condition ms, thats all he hears althougfh i have supported him with his promotional courses gave encourgment, can be nasty with his tongue, so much so i ve slapped him couldn’t believe he could be so nasty, as he is a body gaurd used his his techniches against me, always twists things making u feel its all you, some advice wouls be appreciated.
Last night i just left a controlling short term relationship. For the first time i left EVERYTHING BEHIND except the clothes on my back. I had a quarter tank of gas and when he left with friend and surprisingly let me stay behind after an argument…..I LEFT. I left all my clothes! all my hair products! all my toilettries! the last straw with me is he went off on my all night because i saw the new Mercedies Benz and loved it and commented on it in fron of friends. He was call me ou my name, saying i was disrespectful and out of pocket and a car hoppin ho!!!!!!! That was the last straw…im not living life with my head down no more. I feel lost to have to start over again!! but now im free!!!!!!! FREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nikki i have the same problem as well
i wish i could talk to someone that is going throght the same thing as i am but i dont have any friends to talk to, my fiance is everything in this list and more, i stay because i think maybe he will change but i came to the conclusion that he wont . in just got into an argument with him like 30 minutes ago because he didnt get the attention he wanted from me so he got mad so he was being rude all the way home and now he left me alone at home and drove away, i need someone to talk to but im scared that he will find out that im talking about him, since he pays for the phone he checks who i call and txt i really feel like a prisoner, i used to be so free and independent but thhose days are over. if anyone would like to talk about there controlling partner i would love to hear them out and help eachother out.
All you have to do is woman up and leave them and don’t feel guilty about it.!!!! They have no shame in controlling you. They enjoy seeing you unhappy whick makes themselves feel happy and superior over you becuase they are so insecure. they suck the life ou of your life. You are not in their best interests, It’s all about them. Was married to a guy like this for 4 1/2 years! Wow did i waste my time atleast I learned from it though! I made the decision of not having kids with him. Thank god i didnt! During the divorce he got some girl pregnant becuase he wanted a kid so bad! Pathetic!!!!
They don’t change! If you obey their every command whyt would they want to change? By the time you ask them to change its too late they have no repect for you anymore and dont see the benefit of it for them,
If you cant see your self just leaving him cold turkey then start standing up to him and push his buttons. (however if he physically abuses call the cops on him and get him in trouble) Once you start standing up for yourselves they freak out and realize they dont have the control of you and worry about losing you. They will become unhappy and not like you anymore and will end up cheating on you or leave you once this happens especially if there not getting sex from you. I know from experience ! You girls can have so much more. Dont settle! There are too many men out there to stick with one pathetic loser!!!
If any one needs advice i can help. Just email me. I am no psychiatrist I just experience this tramatic situation like you all!
I am a 38 year old woman, and I have been in an abusive type relationship since January 2009. Of the 10 signs I have experienced at 9 of them, this guy has even admitted that he hit two of his former girlfriends but defended himself by saying that one got him upset cause she was hitting at him and the other was just nagging him. He admitted that he has problems with his father and that has messed him up. He has also accused me of being with other guys which I am not, and I have told him on numerous occasions. When I am out with friends he calls me continuously and when I dont answer he starts to accuse me, when he is out and he doesn’t answer his phone I am paranoid. He blames me for everything, even stuff that he does and always makes everything about him, never me. When I ask questions about why he does what he does, he never answers, just shuts me out and doen’t talk, his textes always says ” Goodbye “. whats your take on it????
kelli whats your email?
I am in an abusive relationship and I have known for some time, and it’s true it’s hard to leave. One reason because I feel I am letting the person down and feel guilty and secondly down to financial reasons , we rent can get out the agreement etc, sounds ridiculous, but if I could get some advice on this I would be out like a shot, it’s taken me months to even consider this and have the courage to do so. HELP!
yeah that is so true i have a boyfriend now and he is every one of those
I have not been out here in awhile. Usually I post information in-order to help others. Today I would like to post something with the hope that one of you could give me your input regarding my situation. The situation is as follows:
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 8 years. For all of these years except for the past 58 days, he was an alcohol and cocaine user. During that time I endured the worst verbal and emotional abuse that I have ever witnessed. Although he has never layed a hand on me, the scars from this type of abuse run very deep. Most of this abuse occurred when he was coming down from his high, not when he was high. This behavior occured approx. every other day. During these 8 years he left me three times, leaving me very depressed. I honestly felt as though I could not go on without him. This resulted in my taking him back each time, on his terms. Not realizing how good I had it when he was out of my life, I began to become miserable once I took him back. Following the third time that we got back together, I decided that I would make everything perfect with the intention to compensate for what he was doing wrong. I had this delusional belief that I was strong enough, smart enough, kind enough to make this relationship work on my own. What I was not thinking about was “my own sanity and happiness”. I believed that I could fix him. Well as time went on things seemed to be getting worse. He started to party more and more and his abuse got worse and worse until finally he just upped and left again in july of this year. At that point I decided to go on with my life and I did. I registered for some classes at college and started going out with my friends. This resulted in a happiness that I have not felt in years. I finally was beginning to find out who I was. Then the unexpected happened. He contacted me with a sincere story about how he joined alcoholics anonymus. He said he was doing wonderful and asked if I would support him with this by giving him a chance. I gave it some thought and being the caring person that I am, I decided to see him once a week. He told me that he wanted to show me the nice guy that he really is, not the one masked by addictions. He went on to explain that his cruel behaviors were not those of his real personality, but those of a person who was badly addicted to drugs and alcohol. That was 56 days ago which was 3 days into his sobriety. Currently his is still sober, attending all of his meetings, sometimes even two and three meetings per day. He is catching up on all of his outstanding depts and looks and feels so much better. So now your probably thinking: “what’s her point?” Well, the point being is that his personality still shows similar traits of abuse and control. Although these traits are not as severe as they once were, they are still there. For example, when he is angry he says things that are hurtfull, he doesnt listen to what I have to say, and worst of all he is just as cold and unaffectionate as he always was. In other words, he has difficulty with intimacy . The good thing is that I no longer live with him and I only see him once a week. What makes this a difficult situation is that he is very good to me in other ways that he never was. He is helpful financially and does take me out to fun places . The problem is that I think about leaving him because of his abusive outbursts however, I often worry that this will set him back leading him to relapse with drinking and drugging. I just dont want this on my conscience but on the same token, I dont want to waste my time with someone who has abusive tendencies. I believe that he has some issues that only a proffessional counselor can help him with. I wish that he could understand that AA is only the bandaid that is used to cover the emotional wounds that provoked him to start using in the first place but it will not get to the root of the problem inorder to begin the healing process. I dont think he quite understands that people resort to addictions in order to cushion the pains of underlieing problems. I worry because now that his addictions are being dealt with, he is left with those underlieing problems that are beginning to surface, causing the same type of abusive behavior. Does anyone have any advice for me?
Thanks.
AFTER READING THIS I’AM IN H#LL GOING ON TWO YEARS I’M 26 HE IS 51 THERE IS A PROBLEM THIS REALLY HELPED ME OUT
So, a controlling boyfriend exhibits all of the signs of being a woman? Neat.
Ok, I’ve gotta say (as a female) a lot of the real signs of a controlling boyfriend were missing and a lot of these signs were extremely wrong, most of them were of guys who just don’t really consider what they say, especially since if it was a for a girlfriend it would be normal. Out of all thes signs only 10, 5, 4, 2 and 1 can be considered right with number 5 being exactly right and the others just partially right., the rest needs to be disregarded especially since there are girls who will go my boyfriend does this and say he’s controlling because a website list tells her he is when in actuality he’s not.
My boyfriends does everthing on that list. I keep telling him he needs to change and he says he will but so far no changes. I cant take it anymore im about to explode. My family keep telling me to leave him and to have no more to do with him, but i love him and once agagin im stuck.
my bf treats me like this 24/7 but the “girls night out” also includes my family. if he’s not with me then i cant do it. he drives my car and says im too stupid to know how. he makes me feel like crap all the time. i cant do anything unless he’s there. he’s becoming more aggresive. you wouldnt imagine the things i go through or the things i see. no one ever does. i cant get out because every time i tell him to leave he acts stupid. he wont leave without making me feel bad and getting in my face. i want him outta my life i just dont know how to get him to leave at all. i want out and i need a way out. can someone please give me advice about how to get rid of this loser? i hate my life and i hate myself. i need help and i dont know what to do at all. will someone please help me?
i see allot of girls here need help and im one of them, i had enough with my partner,just yesterday he looked at my phone and saw that i had deleted all my calls and he asked me why so i told him it was for no reason and that is the truth he didnt believe me and keept insisting like he was a cop he interrogates me like im a criminal, so i told him the truth and he didnt believe me. i just dont understand why he is the way he is, there are times that i think i hate him. i have came to the conclusion that we were not ment to be together and as much as i care about him im gonna do it im gonna leave, its gonna be really hard but this is not the way i want to live my life afraid and lonely i feel like im shut out from the world. dont you feel that way? alone, sad, angry, vounerable, and they make you feel like everything is your fault and that your not worth anything? i do, always and i feel stupid and he convinces me to believe that im wrong and i deserve the things he does to me. i wish every one of you leaves the person that your with if he is everything on this long list because if you dont you will cry allot and you will have the worst life, its sucks thst it sounds so easy to say but its so hard to do. i will attempt to leave but im really scared but if i dont i will regret that i never tried. i wish you all the best of luck i wish i could have gotten to talk to some of you going throgh the same but as for me who knows if he will see this and go nuts and thats the scary part.
this is to jenny, i would like to contact you if thats ok. could you please give me your email?
sure ashley my email is jennyly22@aol.com