Top 10 Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend
Written by: Nichole Sweeting
September 24, 2008
Filed Under People
All you need is love. Unfortunately, love is not everything to some people. They need more. The world we live in may be a reason to become paranoid of strangers, and suspicious of our own family, at times. However, when you are in a relationship, those feelings should subside. For some, the fears go away without a second thought. For others, it is hard to trust. That is the main reason a boyfriend can become a controlling nightmare.
It is hard to pinpoint the answer to why this behavior exists, but, if you feel as if you are being controlled, being able to identify the behavior is your first step to freedom.
10. Always By Your Side
If you are in a relationship where it seems that you have no time to yourself, chances are you have a controlling boyfriend. He never wants you to go anywhere without him. There is no more “girls night out” for you and your friends, unless he is with you. Doesn’t sound like a good time.
9. Do What He Likes
When you do go out, it is to an event that HE chooses. You may not feel like going to a movie, but it is what he wants to do, for example. Also, his turning down an offer to do what you would like is a key sign that he is not flexible. It often leaves the impression that he does not care about your interests. He may, or may not, but he is not supportive either way.
8. Do Things For Him
“Honey, go pick up some soda for me.” sounds like a genuine request for assistance. If your boyfriend is constantly asking you to run errands, without including you as the benefactor, this is another sign of the need to feel in control. Instead of “…pick up some soda for me.”, the request should be, “We’re out of soda. Can you go pick some up, please?”. Can you see the difference? WE are in need of soda, simply.
7. No Manners
In the previous example, the “please” was left out intentionally. Your boyfriend will not be polite. He will not say “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, “please” or even “excuse me” to you. It is because he is expecting you to comply with his requests. He also feels as if you should be thanking him for allowing you to do things for him.
6. Questions, Questions
When you can finally break through the chains, and find some free time for yourself, be prepared: your controlling boyfriend will interrogate you when you return. Putting himself in a “father figure” position will install more of a sense of control. Treating you like a child that went to the mall, prior to doing her homework, is the kind of humiliation in you he is trying to achieve.
5. No Questions, No Answers
Unlike the aforementioned subject, your boyfriend will come and go as he pleases, without answering to anyone – especially to you. If you try to question his whereabouts or activities, he will become defensive. The subject will immediately transfer from your asking, “where were you?” to his comeback remark about how you nag him too much, or something similar to that effect. He will ignore answering the question, and make you feel guilty for asking it. This is in hope that you will not do it again.
4. He’s Always Right
In an argument with a controlling personality, it is very difficult for him to accept defeat. The controlling boyfriend will get more defensive, change the subject, or bring up a past occurrence, when he was, indeed, correct, in order to prove his point with the issue at hand. He may not always be right, completely, but he is never wrong.
3. Can’t Buy Me Love
Fools gold has been around for centuries. However, a fool AND his gold have special meaning to the controlling boyfriend. He will buy you nice jewelry, take you to expensive restaurants and maybe even offer to pay a debt of yours. He will say it is because he loves you. Not true. He needs to feel superior to you. You now owe him, in his mind. Who is the fool? To him, you are.
2. You’re Worthless
Belittling your self-confidence can be have very serious consequences. Making you feel as if you are worthless without him, the controlling boyfriend will prey on times that you may be stressed the most. If you have just lost a job, or if you are experiencing normal hormonal reactions, this is the time he will strike. He wants you to feel as if life is not worth living without him. It’s hard to believe, but his confidence level is actually lower than yours.
1. No Means No
This is the most upsetting trait that a controlling boyfriend can display. If he forces you to do things, against your will, he is not in love with you. Whether it is going to a baseball game, when you hate outdoor stadiums, or, even more harsh an act, makes you perform sexually against your will, he is NOT in love with you. Not showing you the courtesy to respect your wishes is not a behavior that goes away. This will continue as an abusive relationship, where you will be treated as an object, instead of a person.
In conclusion, we all need to feel love in our lives. We all can find love in so many people that are in our lives already. Make sure you listen to the advice of your family and friends. They know you best, and care about you more than the rude, violent, controlling boyfriend that buys you the same cheap flowers after an altercation. You should always remember to respect yourself, and not be fooled into believing that you are any less of a person than anyone else. Put yourself on a pedestal, and never let any boyfriend make you feel as if you don’t belong there.
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FOR REAL
true one should be treated like they worth it all the time
Abuse is becoming a plague, it’s really pathetic men behave this way because of their own insecurities. I’ve been in an abusive relationship before, now when I see these red flags I run away as fast as I can no matter how much in love I think I am or how much I want a man in my life. I’m better off alone than with an abusive partner. The hardest part about leaving an abusive situation is getting to know yourself again. Sounds strange but when you don’t remember what kind of clothes you like to wear, or what music and movies you prefer, you’re in trouble. Please keep the information on this circulating, women need to know even the most subtle signs because the abuse will eventually get worse.
My girlfriend doesn’t mind me being always by her side as I have particularly agreeable breath.
My boyfriends does every little thing up there and its hard because at the same time no matter how bad i feel about myself for being with him i won’t leave him..i don’t know why but i feel pathetic we just got into an arguement not even 20min ago and of course i can never win..i know im not going to be with him forever because i already have a hard time dealing with him but…i just don’t know how to leave..
I have a controlling boyfriend and i cant get him to leave
Told him i be his friend cant except that
it his way or no way
He does everything i read it is pretty scary so his is temper
I cant even have friends
Its sad when he wants to go threw my phone
and everything
The worst thing he is a mommas boy
my dad his trying so hard to stay out of my bussiness but he dont want to see his little girl ….
So I think, that it is a common problem, I also had such problems, but I managed to go though it.
wow
12346 10 Hey need a little help I’m in a relationship with a guy thats 9 yrs older than me and having a few probs. He can be real sweet buying me gift and going out his way to do thing for me but he makes sure i know that he has gone out his way just for me. he always says i can go out with mates and do what i want but at the back he constantly texts and calls and if i dont respond straight away he goes off his head and calls me every name under the sun and uses information i told him against me, he has also threatened me. but everything is my fault as i lied in past as to why i never called when out with mates even tho i’m innocent, i never cheated but knew how he’d react knowing they were male. He wont accept appologies and says i must make amends for everything i’v done to him or else there will be consequences. He’s says he is like this cause he loves me so much and worries about me?
Almost all those things sums up my relationship with my now year and 3 month relationship,and for the past maybe 6 months I’ve been contemplateing leaving him,I did before but he pulls the guilt trip that drives me back to him.I love him but been comtemplating our whole relationship for so long my health has gone out the window.I used to be in perfect shape and active and going out almost every night with friends…not im border line technically over-weight for my size and I really want to go to a mental health facility to get some help,he’s literally drove me insane a few times.
I am confused, i live with a guy who does not hit me or shouts abuse, but i feel like he is more of a father figure to me. I gave up my home to live with him, so i am basically relying on him now, he has control of the money, so the little i earn does not pay much, he tells me how to treat my kids, wants to be completely involved although sometimes i think he goes over the top. He rarely touches me, the once a week sex is always with me wearing stockings and its basic. He dictates to me and never wrong. But i feel comforted by him although not flirty or sexual, he more like a father than a boyfriend. He never flirts with me, just likes it when i act child like and comforts me. I feel i am missing out on love and great sex. I have nothing so i cant leave now. He hates me going out or wanting to see my mates, so i usually feel bad and dont bother going any more.
I had every one of these with a previous boyfriend, you dnt want to see it but in the end you have to.
Every point he was like. In the end he hit me as well as slag me off and be little me in front of people.
You must walk away, I started tellin people to make me reliease how bad it was then i could walk
Abi
So iv read some cases of women here who admted that there in Bad relatinships. look you girls have to WALK AWAY and go to the police to keep these pycos away!
and find a GOOD MAN. there are places that can help you get out of this kind of shit
Nikki, Jill, Julie, Kyera, Teresa, all you girls! I just got out of a controlling relationship 5 months ago. I made plans with a girl friend and just blind sighted him and moved out. All because of a guy i saw on TV. He was smiling, genuinely nice, sweet, sensitive, and just straight up HOT. i had never looked at other men while dating this boyfriend, but when i looked at him i thought ” how much happier would i be, dating someone who is simply NICE. just NICE, and having the will to make me happy like us women have the will to make our men happy?” I couldnt even imagine that kind of treatment. And then it hit me. It’s possible. In fact, these kind of men are more common than the controlling ones. Because of some kind of emotional problem or situation of our past, some women (like you) attract this abuse. We hate it, but our subconciousness pulls in in. And i just started smiling uncontrollably as if i discovered a buried treasure. I was out that weekend. On that day I asked my brother keeping an eye on me and to check on me often. Had my dad threaten my (ex) bf to step in if he interfered. Thats when another thing hit me. Your boyfriend isnt as scary or tough as he makes himself appear to you. he wants you to fear him, he’s ACTING! you’re the girl who paid (her precious and wasted time) to watch it and take it in. He won’t do anything but beg. And i don’t have to tell you that once you give in his promise is void. Thats already a given. You know it, so expect him to beg and dont believe a word he says. thats just some more acting. So it was hard the first two weeks, i missed him. I wont lie. It really hurt not to know where he was, what he was doing without me. But then one day you wake up and think “hey, im alright! i didnt need him. Im happy.” and you look at life like a blank canvas, ready to be painted however YOU want to paint it. And never be attracted to the type of guy who wants to paint it for you, ever every again.
i am really confused. my boyfriend has some signs but i dont know if its just me over reacting or what…….not to long ago he needed me to say that” it was his way or the highway.” when i confronted him about saying that i wouldnt say it he told me he was leaving. Finally i said it and he said he just wanted to know if i would hold my ground. We have been together for three months and im so happy but i dont know if things will get worst….. What do i do?
Control escalates, so if in 3 months already shows signs, what do you think it will happened is 3 years. After 2 years of the most wonderful relationship, one day out of the blue he made a comment about my shirt in a way that I felt I have been put down, and I cried, I could not believe I got my feelings heart, it cought me off guard, he manipulated the conversation in a way that I ended up saying ok I will not wear it again. Then a year later, after being the sweetest man alive, romantic, loving, passionate, suddenly one day he bang his hand on the table to get my attention, I was so puzzled, where does this come from?, I asked to myself, so on and so forth until the day came when I found myself 2 years later on the kitchen floor being kicked because I would not give him a postcard he made me believe it was addressed to him from his ex, (it was addressed to his daughter), I had something that belong to him and I had violated his personal belongin. Control escalates, and red flags should be taken serious, love feels good, period. Good luck to you all
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 9 months and in the beginning, there really were no signs. I hung out with who I wanted, texted who I wanted and over-all just had my own life apart from him.
However, about 4 months into the relationship, he started showing me resentment whenever I texted a guy or hung out friends . He would text me ALL the time if we weren’t together. Soon, we started hanging out more and more. Being my first relationship, I didn’t know how to take what was happening.
Now, he a questions me about every guy he sees me waving to in the halls. He asks a million questions about how I know them and if I talk to them a lot. He even has a specific list of guys that he is confortable with me talking to, consisiting of his best friends, 2 of my guy friends, and gay guys. Of course, I still have to “limit” with them.
Another thing he does is criticize my wearing shirts that are “too revealing.” He gets upset whenever I show even a little too much chest.
Honestly, I don’t listen to anything. I’m 15 years old and don’t feel condemed to listen to his restrictions. I lie to him everyday when he asks me if I “limit.” I talk to whoever I want, even if its behind his back.
I do love him, but he has exceeded his rights as my boyfriends and has no right to limit a thing in my life. I’ve never cheated on him. He’s my first and only. I’ve told him this and we’ve talked about it, but he simply finds a way to turn the tables on me and say I’m “breaking a promise” if I don’t do the things he tells me to.
I’ve tried to break up with him (just this week, actually) but I always end up staying after he begs me. He is incredibly persistant when trying to get me back.
I don’t know what to do.
okay i havent been dateing this guy for about 5 months now.
and i finally told him about my past, which hes been dieing to know
about since day one. i was scared to tell him becz i wasnt the best person in the world (not that hes any beter) but now he cheacks my fone everyday to make sure i dont talk to anyone but him. i have to swear on every little thing. im so stressed out about it. im not aloud to talk to anyone and to make sure of that HE
changed my myspace password. and when he breaks up with me and i try to talk to him, he tells me to shut up becz im a worthless whore. and he tells me the ony reason he wont acttually leave is becz without him i’ll never be anything to anyone but a used plaything.
Xheni yoo my boyfriend iiS soo the freaking same he gets mad ova a promise ii “break”like when he’s out with his friends he gets mad because iii text his friend to ask for him..he gets mad when ii wear a shirt that showsz a little ..he alwaysz goes threw my phone aLoT and deleted all the guysz number ..I`ve been with him for 3 yearsz I`m 17 he’s 18 ….b4 he was never like this psh..was good with these guysz and b4 ii neva was with a kid like this i use to dead it but with my boyfriend i can’t i love him alot …so damn is crazy.& he don’t let me party like seriously i hAve a feeling we aint going to last long…=/
gurlz dont let this bring you down life isint fair bcuz if it waz i wud have ma own kar had a kid wit da persn i lub bt i kant ..dnt let hem bring u dwn stan up to hem telm jux bcuz ur doin sum wrng dosent mean ima du da same ignore hem even though its hard it helpz go out bhind his bak have fun to foget bou hem
hey, im 15 and i found this website because im confused iv talked to my mom about it because at one time she went through it. but i dont know if im over reacting or not. i have been dateing my bf for about 3 months and iv seen some signs but not all and some im not so sure about. but i care about him and dont want to break up with him. but if he is controlling then i need to but im not sure if he is. like he is a physical person always holding my hand or touching my arm. somthing when were together and iv told him secrets that iv never wanted repeated but im not sure if he would hold it against me. plus he already said he loved me and i told him im not ready for a serious realationship at 15. and like if he wantes me to do somthing if we are talking on the phone he would say things like ” i command u” or “misey u better do this” but joeking he says and im an independent person i dont take orders and when he says these things i say “huh u only wish” or somthing smart. but is he really joeking? and he flips when i talk to others guys and i know thats a red flag but idk. and i love to read but it seems like i dont have me time. well im sick right now so sorry if i cant spell but if anyone could help i would really appreciate it. and any advice would be great to
Any red flags, even only 1 or 2 of them does end up getting worse. once the guy stops you from talking to your other guy friends, family or text or email every second of your time- like the one said she likes to read and her boyfriend won’t let her- time to move on. I have read these replies and most are from teens. I am a mom of a 19yr daughter in ohio. 1 RED FLAG IS 1 TOO MANY- GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. no ifs, ands, or buts. GET OUT GO HOME, GO TO A SHELTER(SAY ABUSE), OR WELFARE OFFICE.
If any guy stops you from ANYTHING you like to do before he came into your life- he is controlling- it starts out as a small incident and in 2 years time he has you all to himself and your self esteem is gone.
my boyfriend is always going through my phone he dosent likee it when i go out he dont like any of my friends he deletes guys off my msn he tells me what to wear but at times he can be really nicee and sweet and do stuff for me but he gets shitty at me then next minute he is all like i love you and stuff and acts like it never happens and he alays makes me feel bad for sumthink he has donee.
what do i doo can you please help me..?
ive been with my bf for a year and he is completely controlling and paranoid! i feel as though i cant go out, he dosn’t like my friends, he calls me sneaky, and talks down to me. He constantly thinks im hiding things and convinces himself of this. i love him but hes got me questioning myself and feeling down. i dont wanna live like this but due to him i have little friends and i feel i wil be alone without him. He can be great but the bad weighs out the good.. im so confused!
Had only this type of info been available 13 yrs. ago..I would not be in the nasty divorce I am in now. Ladies listen up….get your education, don’t let anyone tell you your job is “in the home”. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your family and friends for anyone…it only gets worse..you then walk away after 13 yr. w/ out a penny because they will then control the family finances ensuring you have nothing to start over w/.
I’m in an abusive relationship.
I’m just an object, not a person.
He can be the sweetest person on earth, holding me in his arms and saying that he loves me, but he always get so angry for nothing, and once he even told me that I could “f*ck off, and go to hell”, just because we disagreed on something.
His mother hates me, and he supports her, even if she is saying something that hurts me. I cannot explain my side of the story in any matter, because he refuse to listen to me. He screams at me, telling me how dumb I am, telling me that I should feel ashamed of how I behave, even though I haven’t done anything wrong..I am embarrased that I’m so weak in this relationship, that I let him do this to me. My friends knew me as a strong woman - Now I’m just so vulnerable and trapped. He makes me feel worthless, and I think there is a part of him that enjoys it.
My friends tells me: “I don’t think he loves you anymore”. That’s what hurt the most. Facing the truth. And still I can’t seem to break free.
i have been in this relationship and towards the end it got violent as my strong will decided to question his actions, as he felt he was loing control he became more and more violent, i had a child with this bully also and he now tries to bully me still through her!! For example asking for full custody taking me to court and trying to convince the court i had depression and that’s why i left. Convinced his family that i was the one who was unbalanced not him. The first thing you should do when realising you are in this kind of relationship is RUN get out and get out quick otherwise you will be a crushed shadow of the person you were before this nightmare.
i’ve been with my boyfriend for over just a year and the signs on this website are showing as night and day, he controls me in every way, even what program i am watching, if i want to watch a program he says “it’s crap turn that crap off, why are you watching it?” (without swearing included) and when i say i want to watch it he says he will go home if i don’t turn it off, when he watches something he watches what he wants and he watches the TV all day without a concern about me, i have never told him what he watches is crap or to turn it off becasue i am not like that, he watches a lot of sport and i find that boring, he does the same thing when i play a computer game, as soon as i put it on he starts insulting the game with swearing, i can’t enjoy anything anymore, it’s always about him, his way, when it comes to problems like financial problems he is never concerned about my problems yet when it comes to him it’s like the whole world needs to drop everything for him.
he sold my pet cat because he didn’t like it miaowing, now hw wants to get a new cat with me but i am concerned that the same thing will happen again, i told him you can’t get rid of children the same way.
he snaps and gets angry at everything, every small thing gets him angry and sometimes i feel exhausted because of what he does, i just can’t be myself, one thing i can honestly say is that he has never hit me ever, but what will stop him in the future? we argue almost every day over silly stuff.
i feel since i have met him last year i have neglected myself, before i met him i was 11 stone, now i am almost 15, i am unable to eat what i want to eat which is healthy food, all he eats is junk, and my body reflects that now, sometimes i feel that i want to kill myself to escape my torment, it doesn’t help that i suffer from severe depression, he also suffers from it too which makes the relationship hard for us.
the reason i don’t want to leave him is because i don’t want to be alone, and i also want children, i’m not getting any younger as i am nearly 30 so i almost feel desperate staying with him.
I am with a man now that is all of the above mentioned article and then some. It has been just over 2 years for us, but we haven’t lived together in over 7 months (thank God) however: he is still in my life. I cannot seem to let him go. Why? I do love him, but my love for him is not nearly as strong as it once was. I wonder “WHAT” is there to love? His behavior is a huge turn-off. A person can only take so much.
He has gone through my phones, phone books, drawers, bills, paperwork. If I go to the corner store, and I’m gone “longer” than he anticipates he will be calling me on my cell and/or questioning (more like an interrogation) me when I do get home about “Where was I?” “Why was I gone so long?” Who was I with???” and so on. It’s pathetic. And it always ends with “he KNOWS I am cheating…” UUGGHHHH
He is CONSTANTLY accusing me of cheating on him. I mean CONSTANTLY. Every freaking time we talk it will surface at some point in a conversation. I’m screwing my neighbors (which I am not of course) I’m screwing people I work with (which I am not) whenever he is not at my house, I’ve got a man up here with me (which I do not) and he has even gone as far as accusing me of sleeping with my girlfriends (which I have not). He is flippin’ nuts.
The only thing we do have is awesome sex. He is the best lover I’ve ever had. As these months have gone by (and trust me, we are seeing less and less of each other and I feel better every time, no more tears when he “punishes” me for no reason) I have grown weary of him. A person can only take so much of that crap. And I am happy to report that I no longer get upset when he’s accusing me of cheating on him. I’m so used to and sick of it that it doesn’t really bother me anymore. I’m actually happy when he fights with me b/c then I don’t have to talk to him. Perfect.
All he’s good for is a booty call. He’s a HORRIBLE boyfriend. Insecure, jealous, controlling, man he does have issues. He even says what a “mess” his life is. Boo-Hoo for him. He’s his own worst enemy, and I’ve told him many times. But of course, I don’t have a clue what I am talking about and therefore I am not worthy of an opinion. Yeah, whatever.
He was great in the beginning, but somethig happened to him. I don’t know what, but something happened. I’ll never know and that’s fine with me. Because I don’t care enough anymore to want to know what happened to him. All I know is I’ve been the best woman I could be to him and NEVER cheated on him.
It’s too bad for him because if he doesn’t deal with the issues he has, he will never be able to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE. I’ve told him this as well, and of course I don’t know what I’m talking about.
He has crossed the line with me one too many times and I am sick of it. I feel much stronger and know I will be just fine (in fact, much BETTER) without him. There are many fish in the sea, and I don’t intend on being alone forever.
There are not too many worse things than being accused of cheating when you are NOT and feeling alone in a relationship. It’s not normal.
help me! I don’t know how to get out of this relationship I been trying since last year in june. but I can’t ever get away. he gave me a phone and pays the bill we have a son and I don’t live with him but with my mom I’m 17 n I can’t leave him because he says I am ruining our sons like I know he’s wrong. but when I say its over he just comes over demanding to talk crying and makin me feel guilty. he is a controlling stalking overly obssessed jealous boyfriend . I’m always with him except when I’m sleeping and that’s because I am at my house but if I don’t call or answer his calls he goes insane honking his horn bangin on my door.i don’t know what to do!!!
if u read the coment by me please email me some advice.
I have given this much thought and my suggestion for getting rid of a controlling boyfriend is this, but you must really want to get rid of him because it works. Because a controlling person has to make all decisions and have the final say, you will never get rid of him by telling him to leave or by leaving him,this will take away his power and control,he will not have it. The trick is to make him miserable in the relationship by allowing him to feel unloved and unimportant but you have to do this slowly and almost unnoticably. Eventually but it takes time, he will feel he is loosing control but not know why he will want out and with this he will believe that he made the decision to leave and that he is in controll when in all actuality it was you in control and you are rid of this sick controlling monster for good. Just don’t take him back he will never change.
i have a Controlling boyfriend and everything in this wesite is true he does everything this artical is talking about even more. i dont know how to leave him i want to but it seem like i cant, he done cheated on me so many times.i stared going out with him when i was 17 years old and now i’m 19 years old about to be 20. i’m just so use to it. he went out to night we got in to argument because i wanted to know where he was going and how long he was going to be out. but he got and just left. who knows he might with some girl i dont care i just want out!!!!!!!!!!! he hits me and hurts me so much i cant think of anyone eles but him like what is he doing and where is he at. and just like this artical says no questions no answer. they are right thats him. but i think he likes to do the most to me is pull my hair out because he know that means everything to me he says he does it because he know that i would look good with out hair and knowone would want me. he also tells me that i’m nothing with out him and now i belive it sad i know. but its the truth i even went to jail for him becuase i though he would change the hiting and the Controlling. but he didnt………….i just need someone out there to help me please i want out soo bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To melissa, you need to devise a plan and stick with it. But first you must be serious about leaving him. You didn’t mention if he would become dangerous if you leave. Do you live together? If you do and you want to leave you first need to call a hotline for domestic violence they can provide you with a safe place to go with protection. You have perfect opportunity to leave because he goes out at night. You can make an escape with the help of the hotline.please liaten to me and get started with your plan to run. You are in terrible danger. If he is pulling your hair out then he could eventually kill you.he is no good get out now while he is gone.call the hotline now and don’t leave any traces cover your trails
Ive been dating a guy for 7 months and im 18 weve been going through alot latley but it seems like theres no reason for us to even be going through have the stuff we go through.Ill think everythings just fine then outta know where its like i did something wrong.I came on this site and i realized that my boyfriend does a lot of these. I tried to convince myself at first that since he didnt do all of them then he wasnt contolling but i know he is.THe biggest problem is no matter what he puts me through im not gonna leave him i couldnt see myself with out him hes like everything i want when hes not in one of his moods and truthfully i know it will get worse but i know i cant leave cause im scared of being a lone you know.My self esteem level isnt that high so its kinda like ive been trapped cause everything he does works .He can easily make me feel bad about myself he doesnt want me going out with my friends and he doesnt like my friends which is why i just dont have any anymore.He doesnt want me going to the movies or the mall or the club or a party with or with out him and at first i thought of that as great cause i dont want him anywhere either where girls will be trying to hit on him but the more i look at it i have no freedom and im trapped.We always fight and it always ends the same but one day i want us to have a family and a house and everything he said well have but reading all of these comments its let me see that it most likley wont happen and if it does im not gonna be the happy go lucky wife i imagine.I just dont know how to leave and i dont want to and i wish we could just fix him but i know i cant so what do i do now.
You should get support from others who arent controlling. I think you all should make a decision fast. Know that in all essense you have to the power to control your future. I just ended my relationship. Im know it was the right thing to do.
I got this from another website. It is on the interweb somewhere.
A Controller is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. A Controller has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of A Controller, women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.
The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of a Controller and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships, before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with a Controller in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present, it’s not a probability or possibility, you will be hurt and damaged by a Controller if you stay in the relationship.
http://www.homestudycredit.com/courses/contentCR/secCR16.html
1. Rough Treatment: A Controller will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male Controllers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female Controllers often slap, kick, and even punch their male partners when upset.
2. Quick Attachment and Expression: The Controller has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to a Controller is how quickly he or she says, “I Love You,” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point - it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship, because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause a Controller to detach from you as quickly as they committed. A Controller typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
3. Frightening Temper: A Controller has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they’re mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to “witnessed violence” - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although a Controller quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you, but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.
4. Killing Your Self-Confidence: A Controller repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard,” unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly, as though you deserved it. In public, you will be “walking on eggshells” always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
5. Cutting Off Your Support: In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. A Controller feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. A Controller begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don’t understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can’t get rid of your best same-sex friend, a Controller will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, a Controller will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you’ll develop the feeling that it’s better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. A Controller then tells you they are treating you badly again, and you’d be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.
6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle: A Controller cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow a Controller to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. A Controller often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.
7. It’s Always Your Fault: A Controller blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly, it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the male Controller drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. A Controller tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. A Controller never, repeat “never,” takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them, it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not him) as they didn’t use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
8. Breakup Panic: A Controller panics at the idea of breaking up, unless it’s totally their idea, then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female Controllers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area, as though you will be responsible for those decisions. A Controller offers a multitude of “deals” and halfway measures, like “Let’s just date one more month!”
They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative Controllers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male Controller technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female Controller technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner), and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back, you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of Controller - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.
9. No Outside Interests: A Controller will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.
10. Paranoid Control: A Controller will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some Controllers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech Controllers may encourage you to make “private” calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night, a Controller will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows Controller to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.
11. Public Embarrassment: In an effort to keep you under control while in public, Controller will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with Controller too long, you’ll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You’ll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in Controller.
12. It’s Never Enough: A Controller convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say “I love you” enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
13. Entitlement: A Controller has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, Controller feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him: As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what a Controller is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. A Controller will tell you they are jealous of the “special love” you have, and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them, eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. A Controller will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to, even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.
15. Bad Stories: People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. A Controller tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and, in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts, because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the “I don’t take nothing from nobody” attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way.
16. The Waitress Test: It’s been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time a Controller has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap, you’ll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment, that’s how they’ll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt, hit the road.
17. The Reputation: As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. A Controller may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit - you clearly understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there. A Controller may actually brag about their reputation as a “butt kicker,” “womanizer,” “hot temper,” or “being crazy.” They may tell you stories where other’s have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, a Controller will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with Controllers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of a Controller, it’s because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
18. Walking on Eggshells: As a relationship with a Controller continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself “walking on eggshells” in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of a Controller. Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you’ll have to explain later), and fearful that you’ll see someone you’ll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone, exactly what a Controller wants, no interference with their control or dominance.
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions: A Controller is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. A Controller has no interest in your opinion or your feelings, but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. A Controller is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
20. They Make You “Crazy”: A Controller operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing “crazy” things in self-defense. If a Controller is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm, you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female Controllers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are “going crazy,” it’s important to remember that there is no such thing as “normal behavior” in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from a Controller before permanent psychological damage is done
Hi everyone, I just read the info from the website that was posted and I wish I could have read it eight long years ago. My boyfriend, who just walked out on me this past monday fot the fourth time in eight years, was all but one of those red flags. Believe it or not, but even the waitress test wich occured in the first month of our dating. He is gone now but I am sure he thinks I will take him back as I have done so many times in the past. But I have news for him, I will not. He has abused me emotionally in such a severe and intense way that I am now scarred. I will most likely have to seek couseling. Please, everyone, read the information it is there to help you.
HI, I don’t know if my boyfriend fits everything but he does do some weird things. I just don’t know if I’m exaggerating or if this is actually a problem.
One he keeps doing super nice things for me all the time, even if I don’t mind doing them. Then he will bring it up again how, “Oh I cleaned everything” and make me feel bad because I got mad at him.
He doesn’t work, or drive and doesn’t have a phone so I drive him places and pay for things and let him use my phone and I mean I offer to do this for him because I love him, but I figured at one point he would just get a job or do stuff for himself. I feel taken advantage of and I try to get him to have a job and help him in every way possible but he just doesn’t do anything.
I mean he is so sweet and he doesn’t check on my phone at all or facebook, but the other day I was so sick of him not doing anything that we broke up. But low and behold he sent me a message 3 days later saying how I was the love of his life and all this stuff and how he wanted to be back together with me and hasn’t slept since we broke up. It made me feel like shit. Because he realized he couldn’t do anything without me, and I don’t want that.
He also is never, ever wrong. ever. I just feel so weak and don’t know how to say no I don’t want to date anymore without hurting him. We have been dating for two and a half years…
What are some good ways besides just leaving?
To meagan, yes, even though he comes through as a nice guy, he still is in control. He has you doing most everything including most of all supporting him. He is pretty sly that way because he knows that if being a nice guy is all it take for a free ride than why not. To me, he seems to be displaying true signs of someone who has what is called dependent personality disorder. You should research this on the web. However, he does not seem to be a good match for you. Most people with this type of beavior usually never amount to much without proffessional help. You are better off finding someone who is more compatible with you. You seem to be a pleaser but this is not good when it is all one sided. When it is like this you become the enabler, allowing him to continue his dependent behaviors. Maybe a break up I what he needs to go get some help and who knows maybe you both can get back together but under diffferent and better circumstances. Good luck and feel free to write back
I have been in a relationship for 11 years, we have a 6 year old son together. He uses my son as an excuse to get to me. I asked him to move out 2 years ago. We have no custody agreement and he gives me $50.00 a week in support. This is because he makes me feel bad because he has another son whom he pays $100.00 a week for. Anyway it was always an excuse why he doesn’t have money and I end up paying. We sort of got together again because I went out and had one too many and it was his opportunity to have sex. Now if I refuse sex he gets mad and slams things, burns out and tells me there is something wrong with me, I am 42 years old and have many responsibilities…. He is 47 years old what’s up with that? If he doesn’t get his way he yells and has tantrums. How am I going to stop this, he and his mother make so many degrading remarks to me. I have my own home and I am raising my son by myself. He goes out whenever he wants and goes on trips and lives with his mother. If i go out he is calling my cell phone and wants to meet me(probably to take advantage of me). If I don’t answer he says I am up to something. He rarely takes our son, he lives with his mother and keeps his other son but not ours. I want to go for custody and child support but I am afraid. Am I wrong for not giving in? I am afraid to leave our son alone with him, he is not physically abusive but has a bad temper and our son had ADHD so it scares me and he doesn’t keep a good eye on him.
Hi, My boyfriend is nice an caring , but when he gets angry he gets very quite and if I ask him why he is quite he starts saying rude things to me which he is aware will hurt my feelings, any decision I make is not good enough and have to keep him aware of all the places am going or people am meeting. If he is in a good mood then I need to be in a good mood .. if he is a bad mood phoo… i shouldnt uttter a word .
I know he loves me a lot and I too love him we intend to get married soon .. and have been seeing him for 5yrs now .. but he’s never hit me or be physically absuive so dont know if am gonna do the write thing
help me
Lolo NO NO!! Just because he doesn’t hit you it does not justify his other controlling and abusive behaviors towards you. He is not marriage material. It will only get worse once he thinks he owns you with a piece of paper that states you are his wife. A marriage is based on trust and is a fifty fifty commitment. This guy does not posess any of these features or abilities.
from reading the 10 signs i’ve noticed that i’ve been being controlled since day one because my boyfriend has ALL do you hear me ALL the signs of being a controllig man. me and my boyfriend has been together for 4 years and he’s 35 and i’m 23 years old. he doesn’t let me use his phone for importabt phone calls, he doesn’t let me go anywhere without him knowing where i am i cnt even go outside for ten minutes without him telling me to come upstairs. even though im only 23 but i feel as if i’m his mothers age, i gets no FREEDOM as an adult. dont get me wrong he pays the bills and furnishes my apartment but when he’s mad he throws it in my face. we just had angument 20 minutes ago because his daughter is 17 she’ll be 18 next month and she lives in our house better yet MY house and she has nothing going on she’s not doing well in anythhing thats going to help her future out, so i complained and as a CONTROL freak that he is he turned the tables on me,then at the end of the convo thats when he aadmits i’m right but at the same time it’s like why the tables turned? i dont get it , i love him but sometimes i wish i were single.thanx 4 hearing me out.
***** I need your advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 8 months. We have lived together for a year and a half but we are very controlling of eachother. We do everything together… EVERYTHING. Meaning, no personal space at all. If we are at work, we still are on the phone. It was not controlling at first but as time went on, it just got worse. Even for how unhappy we are, we still stay together.
MAIN PROBLEMS:
****** I make him unhappy because when he looks at another female I’ll give him attitude. One glance is okay but if he takes a second look or stares, I get mad. That will trigger his short fuse and we will be in a fight all day because of it.
****** He makes me unhappy because of his short temper. The smallest thing will create a big fight all day. The fight just builds and builds until we are so angry at eachother. He smokes weed throughout the day and when he doesnt smoke it, he seems like a different person. Someone so pissed off at life.
***** I NEED YOUR ADVICE!! I love him and he tells me he loves me too. We will never be able to give eachother personal space. Should I worry about how he smokes weed all the time? Am I in the wrong? Do you think this would ever lead to happiness? Thank you for your help. - Julie
****** I left this out from my previous post.
- I am 21 years old and my boyfriend will be turning 24 in December.
- We both are in college and have many things in common.
- I tried to ask him to go talk to someone with me to get help but he wont go.
- Julie
Hey… Umm I was with my girl for 3yrs and 7 months age recently broke up with me on friday the 14th I was breaking that poor girls heart she always told me that I was controlling and It bothered b/c I felt it wasn’t me my only issue with her was that we never did anything fun she only had fun with her friends and put them first and I felt I needed to compete with them. They were her new friends so it wasn’t like she was close to them and did those things with them when we met. So I was constantly feeling left out… Well long story short… She told me to look up controlling boyfriend and I did and I cried my eyes out b/c considered a “controlling boyfriend” but the reasons behind why a controller does that wasn’t the reason why I was doing it and it really hurt me to know that she felt thar way and thought I was doing to belittle her or feel superior… Well now I’m going to see a therapist in hopes of me changing and becoming a better person and hoping to some day get back with her my question is… Can I really change from that or I’ll be this monster for the rest of my life?!! Oh and girls talk to ur bf let him know how u really feel not what he wants to hear. if he don’t change when u tell him what’s wrong the way it should be told then leave… He ain’t changing and if u love him u leaving him for good will open his eyes if not now eventually…
IF you get a bf do not fall far the I care about you so much story or the things of my past i can not make it without you. mind games i just got out of a relationship and he was a very controlling person. I had to look at the floor when another guy walked passed me or if i went out with friends and family he yelled at me like where were you why did you not tell me anything. made me feel as if i had to tell him everything, he could not stand my parents. He always tried to bring things up from the past it is one of the many mind games they play. He had me so up his rump i did not care for my feelings anymore or friends or family just his. When you feel like you have someone trying to control your life. End that relationship run for help, i am now changing my cell and house number and i had to delete my internet sites is that said or what. I have to watch my life b/c he threaten to kill my family. Keep your mind open because mine we worked at the same job even after that we would go to his house i would stay over there from 9:30 - 2:30 am then when got home i would have to call him and whe would stay on the phone tell 6:00am then go to work at 2:00pm and this would go on for months not enough time he said to spend together. All to keep me under his control make me feel so sorry for him. I gave him the most important thing that belonged to me that was my virginity. I am 20 but you know i was saving that tell marriage but i thought we would but he just got to controlling and i loved him at the time. Just one day i had enough so i broke my ties with him and split up and i am glad where never going to get back together. Just be warned for people like that i am telling you this for your own safety and b/c i do not want you to be a victim like me.
ok im a GUY and i hav 1 or 2 of these signs…but im so worried that ima get worse u kno and i wanna b wit dis gurl for a while…and idk IVE BEEN GOIN TO COUNSELING FOR ABOUT 2 AND A HALF WEEKS SO FAR AND IM TRYNA MAKE A CHANGE BUT ITS HARD CUZ I GREW UP AROUND NEGATIVE MA WHOLE LIFE AND I HAV AN IDEA OF A GUD RELATIONSHIP BUT IDK ITS STILL HARD AS IDK WAT AND I HAV A SHORT TEMPER BUT IM GOIN TO COUNSELING 4 IT DO U THINK I HAVE A CHANCE TO CHANGE….IM SOOOO WORRIED ABOUT MA FUTURE WIT FEMALES…IM TRYNA DO THA WRITE THING BUT ITS HARD AND I HEAR MA GURL SAY SUMTIMES IF IDONT GET WAT I WANT…THAT IM CONTROLLING CUZ I TRY TO MAKE HER DO SUMTIN DAT SHE DONT WANNA DO BUT MOST OF THA TIME I DROP IT EVENTUALLY….JUS IM TRYNA FIND OUT IF U THINK COUNSELING HELPS OR IF I SHUD JUS GIV UP ON MA GURL CUZ I DONT WANNA HURT HER IN A PHYSICAL WAY BUT AT TIMES I SAY MEAN THINGS TO MAKE HER C THAT SHE HURT ME..AND I WORK ON TRUSTING HER WIT DUDES WEN SHE TALKS TO THEM DO YOU THINK THAT HELPS THA 2 OR 3 SIGNS I HAVE????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? CUZ IM RELE TRYNA CHANGE FOR THA BETTER BUT ITS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD CUZ GREW UP AROUND NEGATIVE AND I JUS DONT WANNA HURT A GIRL U KNO…WE JUS GOT INA LIL FIGHT TONITE CUZ SHE DIDNT DO WAT SHE SAID SHE WAS GUNNA DO SO I GOT UPSET….HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ DO YOU THINK ME GOIN TO COUNSELING WILL HELP??????????????????????????? HELLLLLLLP PLZZZ
What if you are the controlling boy friend? Or you see the signs of them within you, but you dont want to be controlling… it really is not that easy….
How can i not be controlling?
i’ve been in a FEW abusive relationships each get worse and worse! I’m a STUPID GIRL I know. Just be tough and leave! but dont play games, its over u dont get in contact with him either leave him alone!No texting, driving by his house or anything! if he threatens u call the cops or threaten to call the cops and possible or few charges may save the next girl! I know everybody’s situation is different sso if u have a child do this same thing and go through the courts!
My Boyfriend is military police
I feel he is very controlling, information ive told him personal of abuse
he then uses it against me, or if ive mentioned something about my parents
He threatens me with he going tro tell them finishing with him I feel will be difficult
because of what he might do.
slates my condition ms, thats all he hears althougfh i have supported him with his promotional courses gave encourgment, can be nasty with his tongue, so much so i ve slapped him couldn’t believe he could be so nasty, as he is a body gaurd used his his techniches against me, always twists things making u feel its all you, some advice wouls be appreciated.
Last night i just left a controlling short term relationship. For the first time i left EVERYTHING BEHIND except the clothes on my back. I had a quarter tank of gas and when he left with friend and surprisingly let me stay behind after an argument…..I LEFT. I left all my clothes! all my hair products! all my toilettries! the last straw with me is he went off on my all night because i saw the new Mercedies Benz and loved it and commented on it in fron of friends. He was call me ou my name, saying i was disrespectful and out of pocket and a car hoppin ho!!!!!!! That was the last straw…im not living life with my head down no more. I feel lost to have to start over again!! but now im free!!!!!!! FREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nikki i have the same problem as well
i wish i could talk to someone that is going throght the same thing as i am but i dont have any friends to talk to, my fiance is everything in this list and more, i stay because i think maybe he will change but i came to the conclusion that he wont . in just got into an argument with him like 30 minutes ago because he didnt get the attention he wanted from me so he got mad so he was being rude all the way home and now he left me alone at home and drove away, i need someone to talk to but im scared that he will find out that im talking about him, since he pays for the phone he checks who i call and txt i really feel like a prisoner, i used to be so free and independent but thhose days are over. if anyone would like to talk about there controlling partner i would love to hear them out and help eachother out.
All you have to do is woman up and leave them and don’t feel guilty about it.!!!! They have no shame in controlling you. They enjoy seeing you unhappy whick makes themselves feel happy and superior over you becuase they are so insecure. they suck the life ou of your life. You are not in their best interests, It’s all about them. Was married to a guy like this for 4 1/2 years! Wow did i waste my time atleast I learned from it though! I made the decision of not having kids with him. Thank god i didnt! During the divorce he got some girl pregnant becuase he wanted a kid so bad! Pathetic!!!!
They don’t change! If you obey their every command whyt would they want to change? By the time you ask them to change its too late they have no repect for you anymore and dont see the benefit of it for them,
If you cant see your self just leaving him cold turkey then start standing up to him and push his buttons. (however if he physically abuses call the cops on him and get him in trouble) Once you start standing up for yourselves they freak out and realize they dont have the control of you and worry about losing you. They will become unhappy and not like you anymore and will end up cheating on you or leave you once this happens especially if there not getting sex from you. I know from experience ! You girls can have so much more. Dont settle! There are too many men out there to stick with one pathetic loser!!!
If any one needs advice i can help. Just email me. I am no psychiatrist I just experience this tramatic situation like you all!
I am a 38 year old woman, and I have been in an abusive type relationship since January 2009. Of the 10 signs I have experienced at 9 of them, this guy has even admitted that he hit two of his former girlfriends but defended himself by saying that one got him upset cause she was hitting at him and the other was just nagging him. He admitted that he has problems with his father and that has messed him up. He has also accused me of being with other guys which I am not, and I have told him on numerous occasions. When I am out with friends he calls me continuously and when I dont answer he starts to accuse me, when he is out and he doesn’t answer his phone I am paranoid. He blames me for everything, even stuff that he does and always makes everything about him, never me. When I ask questions about why he does what he does, he never answers, just shuts me out and doen’t talk, his textes always says ” Goodbye “. whats your take on it????
kelli whats your email?
I am in an abusive relationship and I have known for some time, and it’s true it’s hard to leave. One reason because I feel I am letting the person down and feel guilty and secondly down to financial reasons , we rent can get out the agreement etc, sounds ridiculous, but if I could get some advice on this I would be out like a shot, it’s taken me months to even consider this and have the courage to do so. HELP!
yeah that is so true i have a boyfriend now and he is every one of those
I have not been out here in awhile. Usually I post information in-order to help others. Today I would like to post something with the hope that one of you could give me your input regarding my situation. The situation is as follows:
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 8 years. For all of these years except for the past 58 days, he was an alcohol and cocaine user. During that time I endured the worst verbal and emotional abuse that I have ever witnessed. Although he has never layed a hand on me, the scars from this type of abuse run very deep. Most of this abuse occurred when he was coming down from his high, not when he was high. This behavior occured approx. every other day. During these 8 years he left me three times, leaving me very depressed. I honestly felt as though I could not go on without him. This resulted in my taking him back each time, on his terms. Not realizing how good I had it when he was out of my life, I began to become miserable once I took him back. Following the third time that we got back together, I decided that I would make everything perfect with the intention to compensate for what he was doing wrong. I had this delusional belief that I was strong enough, smart enough, kind enough to make this relationship work on my own. What I was not thinking about was “my own sanity and happiness”. I believed that I could fix him. Well as time went on things seemed to be getting worse. He started to party more and more and his abuse got worse and worse until finally he just upped and left again in july of this year. At that point I decided to go on with my life and I did. I registered for some classes at college and started going out with my friends. This resulted in a happiness that I have not felt in years. I finally was beginning to find out who I was. Then the unexpected happened. He contacted me with a sincere story about how he joined alcoholics anonymus. He said he was doing wonderful and asked if I would support him with this by giving him a chance. I gave it some thought and being the caring person that I am, I decided to see him once a week. He told me that he wanted to show me the nice guy that he really is, not the one masked by addictions. He went on to explain that his cruel behaviors were not those of his real personality, but those of a person who was badly addicted to drugs and alcohol. That was 56 days ago which was 3 days into his sobriety. Currently his is still sober, attending all of his meetings, sometimes even two and three meetings per day. He is catching up on all of his outstanding depts and looks and feels so much better. So now your probably thinking: “what’s her point?” Well, the point being is that his personality still shows similar traits of abuse and control. Although these traits are not as severe as they once were, they are still there. For example, when he is angry he says things that are hurtfull, he doesnt listen to what I have to say, and worst of all he is just as cold and unaffectionate as he always was. In other words, he has difficulty with intimacy . The good thing is that I no longer live with him and I only see him once a week. What makes this a difficult situation is that he is very good to me in other ways that he never was. He is helpful financially and does take me out to fun places . The problem is that I think about leaving him because of his abusive outbursts however, I often worry that this will set him back leading him to relapse with drinking and drugging. I just dont want this on my conscience but on the same token, I dont want to waste my time with someone who has abusive tendencies. I believe that he has some issues that only a proffessional counselor can help him with. I wish that he could understand that AA is only the bandaid that is used to cover the emotional wounds that provoked him to start using in the first place but it will not get to the root of the problem inorder to begin the healing process. I dont think he quite understands that people resort to addictions in order to cushion the pains of underlieing problems. I worry because now that his addictions are being dealt with, he is left with those underlieing problems that are beginning to surface, causing the same type of abusive behavior. Does anyone have any advice for me?
Thanks.
AFTER READING THIS I’AM IN H#LL GOING ON TWO YEARS I’M 26 HE IS 51 THERE IS A PROBLEM THIS REALLY HELPED ME OUT
So, a controlling boyfriend exhibits all of the signs of being a woman? Neat.
Ok, I’ve gotta say (as a female) a lot of the real signs of a controlling boyfriend were missing and a lot of these signs were extremely wrong, most of them were of guys who just don’t really consider what they say, especially since if it was a for a girlfriend it would be normal. Out of all thes signs only 10, 5, 4, 2 and 1 can be considered right with number 5 being exactly right and the others just partially right., the rest needs to be disregarded especially since there are girls who will go my boyfriend does this and say he’s controlling because a website list tells her he is when in actuality he’s not.
My boyfriends does everthing on that list. I keep telling him he needs to change and he says he will but so far no changes. I cant take it anymore im about to explode. My family keep telling me to leave him and to have no more to do with him, but i love him and once agagin im stuck.
my bf treats me like this 24/7 but the “girls night out” also includes my family. if he’s not with me then i cant do it. he drives my car and says im too stupid to know how. he makes me feel like crap all the time. i cant do anything unless he’s there. he’s becoming more aggresive. you wouldnt imagine the things i go through or the things i see. no one ever does. i cant get out because every time i tell him to leave he acts stupid. he wont leave without making me feel bad and getting in my face. i want him outta my life i just dont know how to get him to leave at all. i want out and i need a way out. can someone please give me advice about how to get rid of this loser? i hate my life and i hate myself. i need help and i dont know what to do at all. will someone please help me?
i see allot of girls here need help and im one of them, i had enough with my partner,just yesterday he looked at my phone and saw that i had deleted all my calls and he asked me why so i told him it was for no reason and that is the truth he didnt believe me and keept insisting like he was a cop he interrogates me like im a criminal, so i told him the truth and he didnt believe me. i just dont understand why he is the way he is, there are times that i think i hate him. i have came to the conclusion that we were not ment to be together and as much as i care about him im gonna do it im gonna leave, its gonna be really hard but this is not the way i want to live my life afraid and lonely i feel like im shut out from the world. dont you feel that way? alone, sad, angry, vounerable, and they make you feel like everything is your fault and that your not worth anything? i do, always and i feel stupid and he convinces me to believe that im wrong and i deserve the things he does to me. i wish every one of you leaves the person that your with if he is everything on this long list because if you dont you will cry allot and you will have the worst life, its sucks thst it sounds so easy to say but its so hard to do. i will attempt to leave but im really scared but if i dont i will regret that i never tried. i wish you all the best of luck i wish i could have gotten to talk to some of you going throgh the same but as for me who knows if he will see this and go nuts and thats the scary part.
this is to jenny, i would like to contact you if thats ok. could you please give me your email?
sure ashley my email is jennyly22@aol.com
Woah damn I do all 10 of those things, guess I am controlling lol
Soo, I’m 16 years old and I’ve been in a relationship for almost 7 months now with this 21 year old guy. At first, he seemed sweet. He didn’t say too much but when we got to know eachother, I ended up falling for him. We were called “the new bonnie & clyde” of our county, cause we just couldn’t stay away from eachother. Then things started to downfall, we would argue constantly about NOTHING. & we still do. He gets mad at me if I don’t say things in the right wording, if I go somewhere without him, I say something he doesn’t like to my friends (which I’m now allowed to have after me threatning to break up with him), and just the stupidest things ever. It’s so annoying. I can’t stand being around him anymore. Every little thing erks my last damn nerve and I feel like he’s out to get me sometimes.Plus, all my friends hate him and don’t want me to be wwith him. I feel like everything he does is manipulative, fake, and he’s doing it cause he’s a control freak. But that’s the problem;; I know he is controlling but I can’t get away from it. I’ve tried to break up with him 2 or 3 times and he just cries and wines and blows my phone up & begs me not to leave him. And The last time I tried to he told me he was going to show up at my school. He’s said he’ll never hit me but he has put me in a headlock before. He gets such a temper over nothing and makes me feel like I’ve done everything wrong when all I try to do is make it right. So my question is;; HOW DO YOU GET AWAY FORVER ?
AND he freaks out when I don’t talk to him immeidately. I can’t even tell him when I’m hanging out with one of my friends or he’ll FLIP cause I didn’t “discuss it with him before hand.” He’s admitted that he’s had a messed up life and is a convicted felon, and I understand that. I try talking to him but it doesn’t do anything. He even got in a fist fight with his sister’s husband because his sister’s husband was telling him to calm down and not talk to me like that and my boyfriend was pushing me and grabbing my arms and yanking me. I just don’t know what to do. I hate him so much but love him at the same time. Maybe young love ? I know I deserve better but I just don’t know how to get away.
Hi!! soo i feel kinda worried to even write this on here…im scared my boyfriends gonna wake up and see this soo im gonna make it quick!!
im 17 and my boyfriends 20 ive been in a relationship for 1 year and 4 months. 2 months after we got together i cheated on him ONCE and ended up getting RAPED in the end of it..
He holds that against me EVERYDAY now and constantly accuses me of Cheating on him!!! .ive done everything i can and say to show him my love for him and prove that im not the same person i was back then anymore but he doesnt listen.. Im so sick of fighting that i just try and do what he wants of me now..sometimes i dont even know what to say anymore cuz ive already told him a thousand times and he said hell try he just doesnt want me to Lie to him and then hell TRUST me again but yet everyday hes still accusing me of cheating and lieing its pathetic and stupid and im just getting real sick of it..
This is also something he does that bothers me also..EVERYTIME i come home He SMELLS me to make sure i haven’t in his words “been Tampered with” its fucking wierd!! He embarrases me infront of My friends a causes a huge seen so ill listen to him so he gets his way and then he says that i embarres him!!! rrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Were engaged and supposed to get married and get are own place next year but if he doesnt change then i dont think its gonna work out…..i just have Uncondisional love for him and he has made me feel like i cant be with anyone else but him..im scared to lose hime but i KNOW it well be best if we did just break it but i feel that i cant…I feel WEAK i need some advice!! im afraid to be alone…..
Please email me: fjoanna84@yahoo.com
After reading the above signs I feel like i have some of these traits unfortunately. I have been cheated on, lied to, and hurt in past relationships which have made me a bit insecure and a tad bit on edge about trust issues. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost six months now and I really love her. There are a few things she has done that has started to put flags up in my head of her cheating and etc and her friends do things that are just troublesome. She lied about going to her friends boyfriends house when she said she did not even want to go over there, this guys house has had cops in it for drugs and etc. She is about to be 21 and her friends are all ready planning to get fake i.d.’s so they can all go out drinking. her friends like to take pills and other drugs, she has told me that that was her past and she does not do it anymore, but she sometimes craves it especially if someone talks about it. She also has a lot of guy friends on facebook myspace and etc, her friends date multiple guys from those sites, and she has received phone calls late at night aand messages on websites like when are we going to hang out etc. she also went to a friends house and was drinking she got mad because i was calling her but then i found out she had a bunch of phone calls to guys in her phone during that time frame, she said it was a game where you just go down your phone book and just call people. this all puts up lots of red flags for me and are signs that I saw before i caught ex’s cheating on me.
I want to get some suggestions as to how i could be a better guy for her, more trusting, less worried,I do not want to loose her. I want her to want to be with me, enjoy the time we share and be more intimate (not so much as entercourse but holding hands and etc. (she says sex ruins relationships, do you agree?) but I also want to get suggestions on how to tell if she is really in it for the long run or if she is all ready seeking other guys.
Most of the descriptions do ring true of these types of men, i was with one for just over three years and feel like i’ve become deadened spiritually.
My instincts were telling me not to get involved in the beginning,but i didnt take heed of them. They chip away at who you are,til you become like a ghost of who you were,but its frightening because its hard to see it at the time.
I’m not just going to concentrate on my son and my future, and most importantly building up my self esteem again.
You want to believe that they are good people really,but i dont think they can truly change until they open their eyes to the hurt and pain they cause others.
I think the thing that really shocks me is i nearly died because of this person,and through my weakness of being controlled by him.
I’m looking forward to starting again,and being FREE………………
Just get out and be happy,life is too short
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. For the past 5 months or so I have found myself being very depressed and remembering my past (which I won’t go into) but I believe this is a result of the way my bf reacts to situations. From reading the about “warning signs” I can pick the majority out as occuring in my relationship, though I am trying to be rational about it all and trying not to be “picky.” I cannot act out when I am feeling down, and if I do I am “acting like a toddler.” So in order for my bf to react the way I chose to it reverts to me breaking down like a mad person and saying ridiculous and stupid things like “I want to die” and ” find a girl who isn’t mad.” I makes me sick to even think I am capable of such thoughts. Going back to me “reacting” to being wound up or whatever, I am generally told that I am being pathetic and should be able to deal with it like an adult. Hands held high, I have thrown things in the past which I feel guilty about but this is often in reaction to the way my bf deals with certain situations, as they are usually very blunt and off hand statements which upset me even more if I am not feeling 100%. At the start of the relationship, everything was great, nothing was an issue, I did not have down moments and was walking on air. Is my bf acting this way because he is insecure himself? I am pretty sure this is it. We have threatened to break up so many times I have lost count and he has given up wanting to make it better in the past we have had “freshstarts” where he’s bought me dinner etc. But these never seem to have a lasting effect. I constantly feel the need to please him even when he is in a bad mood. He just says “well I can’t seem to please you” find someone who can. Yet we stay together?? He also makes odd comments when I am emotional and crying, why would I break up with you, I have bought you Christmas presents and makes plans for the future, assuming I will be there. I really try to be rational and logical about stuff, I have even spoken to my parents and they seem to think although he’s a nice guy, he has a lot of issues which is causing me turmoil. Even my best friend says that I need to find a bf that empathises more with me. It is apparent that my bf and I do think very differently, we even support opposing political parties. After a long, heartfelt talk with my parents, I have been enabled more confidence, and realise that I do not have half of the issues I think that I have, it is my bf who insitgates “pushing my buttons” and then I react and then it is my fault for reacting, which consequently when I have been feeling like the ground needs to swallow me up, cave in and cry, he ends up hugging me and kissing me. What I want to know is why does he even do this in the first place?? I recognise that I have a short fuse but he should perhaps realise this. I am trying my best here, and will have more confidence and a positive outlook on life, because just recently this has not been the case whatsoever. Anyone who has an feedback or adivce on my situation, I would greatly appreciate it. I have been made to feel that if I do not respond/give him attention to his stupid derogitary remarks, and ignore it and “handle” a situation better, nothing comes of it and our lives carry on, maybe I need to let stuff go over my head at times, but I am sure that most girls out there will understand that this is not that easy when you are feeling a bit hormonal and emotional. I am not a pushover and will never be.
Im in the process of just about coming to my senses. I have been with a total control freak now for the last 18 months. I think i have know it all along to be truthful, but i didnt want it to be true as i really cared for this guy. Now however i realise he will never care for me like i deserve to be cared for. Hes just not capable. When i look at the way his father is, and his past behaviours i just know my boyfriend as learned all he can from his fathers ways !!! WONDERFUL !!! NOT !! . His mother is a sweetheart and i dont know how she has managed to put up with that man !
He shouts at me, swears at me, is critical to the point of obsession with every thing i do. From my driving to the way i sit !!! He has never hit me, but he has threatened me and even smashed my front room window and damaged my car in a fit of temper ! So what next then, hey a good old smack. I know he would do it if he could get away with it. But he knows i will tell everyone and shame him !!
Im a very strong person, but i find myself rushing to complete things so i can get back to his house. If im too long , there will be an argument. Then we either just sit around watching TV which bores me rigid when i have a 1000 things to do at home. He says things like “Oh you do what you have to do then just come on here when your bored “. Excuse me but we all have a life to lead. In other words hes playing mind games with me , trying to make me feel guilty for not spenind every single minute with him !!! Guess what even when im with him. i get precious love or affection. He says he doesnt like cuddling, and we usually end up on seperate sofas. Well guess what I do like cuddling and im not putting up with this jerk any more
Ladies beware these men are usually masters of manipulation and can turn things round on you, and make you feel its all your fault, in a breath. I have experienced this time and time again. How somehow or other i end up getting the blame for 99.9% of the trouble. Funny how it wasnt like this with my ex partners then eh !!
Oh yes he can be good fun, charming and nice. But usually when he knows im really pissed off with him. Hes bled me dry for money too and somehow stil manages to call me tight fisted. He isnt working and i lost my job 3 months ago. He knew i had a redundancy package and keeps saying “Im on the dole, you have $** in the bank. So what its my money, ive worked for it. Its not his. But boy has he made me feel as though i should be supporting him !!!
I was warned by a previous partner of his that he was a violent and controlling individual. But I wanted to see for myself. Like i said deep down insided i have always know, and yes i guess i thought he would change !! However as time is going by i think hes getting worse. More agressive verbally when im doing things that dont involve him.
What has finally made me come to my senses is over the last 3 months i have had some real serious and upsetting family worries . He has had a bad leg and fair enough, hasnt been able to walk and as been in a lot of pain. But … hey ive had no support what so ever. Just little jibes and digs actually insinuating that the problem within my family is my fault anyway as i didnt do this, didnt do that and didnt do the other…. At a time like this he should be solid with me, giving me comfort and support. Instead when i have cried he has told me not to be soft. I guess thats so he doesnt have to deal with it, and we can all concentrate on him !!
Today he told me to F*** O** and never come back !!! Why ? Because hes had to tidy his kitchen up and i should have done it cos hes had a bad leg !! All the thing i have done for him forgotten of course !
So the reality of this is….. No love in the relationship, just him pretending so he can have someone there to control. Help him out with money. Listen to his BIG HIM SELF UP stories and generally waste my time, whilst i could be out there finding someone worth while !!!
Not saying its not hurtful but sometimes a reality check is needed and strength to go it alone. THESE MEN ARE WHAT THEY ARE LADIES AND I HOPE YOU LIKE ME WILL WALK AWAY, AND SHUT THE DOOR FIRMLY BEHIND YOU !
wow..woman exhibit all the controlling behavior on a daily basis..you hang out with your friends too much, you don’t do this or that enough, your not romantic enough, you don’t say i look pretty enough, ect ect ..are you women kidding me?
how about you women don’t get into a relationship if you don’t want to give up even a small piece of your past lives lol..you want a great guy to treat you like a queen, but you want to be with your friends all the time, text who you want, stay out till whenever you want, ect ect ..hmmmmm would you like your b/f or husband doing the same????? doubt it!
to jj - no we are not kidding you. Yes, women exhibit demanding and controlling behavior from time to time. Yet 98% of domestic violence is committed by men. And to all of you who don’t realize it, a controlling boyfriend is committing domestic violence - learn more at http://www.ncadv.org.
Many people participate in some kind of unhealthy, controlling behavior. That doesn’t mean that it’s right and it certainly is not an excuse for anyone else to do the same. Yes, women should be treated like queens - and men like kings - but the unfortunate reality is that for many men, being treated like a king means that everyone must be his subject and servant.
The reality is that in domestic violence situations, (controlling relationship situations, if you prefer) men are most likely to be the perpetrator. In most cases, men have greater physical and financial strength. In most places, men have more rights and more power than women… even here in the US. It is a sad truth that men commit the majority of violent crime, and the majority of sexual assault.
BUT NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS!
Too many people ask “why doesn’t she leave” but that’s just another way of blaming the victim. She doesn’t leave because she feels hopeless and worthless and because he works very hard to make her feel that way in order to keep her under his control. The truly important question is “why doesn’t he stop?”
I’m not bashing you jj and I’m not bashing men in general. jj - I hope you aren’t the kind of man who expects to be in control of the women with whom you are involved - your comment sounds very much like a man who resents independence in women but that could simply be this small comment and not a true reflection of who you are.
The reality is… if you (as an example only) have expectations of your girlfriend and she doesn’t seem interested in meeting them (hanging out with you instead of her girlfriends) why don’t you find another girlfriend instead of trying to make her meet your expectations through controlling behavior. The sames holds true for women.
I make no accusation but I suggest you learn more about what constitutes violence in relationships and if you are, like many men, pissed off because you’ve had to deal with the emotional damage other men (or one other man) has inflicted upon a woman in your life then find out more about the White Ribbon campaign & look into a book by Jackson Katz - Tough Guise.
I’ve read many of the posts here and it saddens me. I have been so low that I attempted suicide because I was such an awful wife and human being… the result of not only my own depression but also years of abusive controlling behavior. I escaped the relationship but it wasn’t until I took a job for an organization that runs a shelter for abused women that I realized I had been living in an abusive relationship. Sad, huh?
But true.
Also true is that I am a person worthy of love not control. Also true is that my life is 500% better without him in it. Controlling men sometimes convince us that the world hates us & that we’ll be awful losers no one will love if we leave them… as if they’re doing us a favor. They are lying, and they aren’t acting out of love. If you’re in a situation like this, reach out for help in whatever way you can. It is possible to leave and believe me, living well is the best revenge.
peace to you all.
I have been in this relationship for almost 3 years. We live together. We have bills together. I am 21 and he is 24. The first year of our relationship he was horrible to me. I knew he was cheating on me with several women but I never left him only to just argue with him. Then one night my friend just talked me into moving out while he was at work so I wouldnt have to deal with his drama and begging. He worked nights as a police officer back then. That same night I though well since I am gone and he doesnt know Im going to retaliate and hangout with one of his bestfriends that has a crush on me. So i did and I ended up cheating on him with this guy. I regret it though. So when he had found out that I had left he found out i was with his friend and hungout but i did deny that i kissed him. I felt guilty because honestly that wasnt my style to cheat but i felt that maybe it would show him a lesson because he had cheated with about 13 other women. Well he came over to my friends were I was staying and he wanted to talk to me so we talked and i denyed EVERYTHING other than what he knew like who i was hanging out with. Anyways after a week we moved back in and it was like he was a totally different person he stopped the cheating and most of the lying. I felt that it was time to tell him the truth about a month later and i told him what had happened between me and his friend. We talked it over but he new i wouldnt of done it again.
I am not those type of girls who are controling. I let him pretty much do whatever he wants. I dont go through his phone, I never really question who he text and talks to. I dont think he has cheated on me since but All those signs that you provided to me he pretty much follows without even knowing it. We just argued bc he doesnt want me to talk and text one of my friends that i have had. Just so happens she is a Lesbian.
Then during the argument I told him I couldnt do this anymore. I feel like Im caged in a box. Everytime I go see my family he texts me and blows my phone up asking me when im going home and “so much for spending time with him”. He makes me feel so GUILTY! I know thats wrong because you shouldnt feel guilty by seeing your grandparents and family. All my friends dont really talk and ask to hangout anymore bc its like He always makes a point to ruin the good time I have with them and he will start an argument on purpose. Or he will call me every 30 minutes asking what im doing (It would be the same thing that i was doing 30 minutes ago) So my friends get so annoyed of it that they just dont even invite me anymore. All my co workers hate him bc if we ever do get in an argument he feels that it is necessary to talk about it right then and there and he doesnt want to wait. Im a dispatcher I can be talking and arguing on the phone.
He has hit me before twice. once he slapped me right across the face to were it was so hard i fell back. and he hit my head once knowing that if i bruised no one would see it. That was 2 years ago. He hasnt done it since. and I am at fault for being abusive to but not like that. Thats why I have stopped drinking.
Also, he is starting to realize that he is controlling and I’m not just complaining and bitching bor no reason. I threatened him that I couldnt live like this anymore and if he doesnt try to help his controlling and doesnt change or atleast make some modifications then i will live him. I told him he was mean and Im young and pretty i Dont have to put up with any of this because of the fact that there probably are so many other nice mean out there who would respect me and not take me for granted. So now he wants to go to counseling.
That come to my conclusion…hopefully you can answer:
He has changed before he doesnt cheat anymore but can counseling work for his controlling habits?
I hope so bc i realy love him and If me and him dont work out I hope somthing works out for him in the future bc I know if he is the same person today when he finds another girl, that girl would be miserable and he would also be miserable.
Thanks! :)
i am a mother and my daughter is in a realationship and is he controlling her as far as he txts me and says he is her is there anything i can do and im always there for her and love her with all my heart im just want to help her
I finally just left me boyfriend/father of my unborn baby i did somthing i shouldnt have done but that still didnt give him the right to hit me and make me feel really bad about myself he did everything they said up there he told me that if i left he wouldnt have anything to do with me or his daughter and that im on house arrest i am not aloud to talk to anyone for 5 months till our daughter is born he told me that im broken and i need to be fixed and im not aloud msn face book im not aloud to have a cell phone he took it and broke it im not aloud to listen to music im not aloud on the computer so i didnt talk to anyone he told me he wants me to be at the library everyday reading and talking to no one….if anyone is in a relationship like this or close to this get out now it only gets worse trust me and now i feel bad for having to bring an inesent little baby girl into this world with a father like that because of me mistake im so thankful that im having a baby thats that only good thing that has came out of our relationship
I just turned 17 this November..i’ve been going out with my boyfriend for 8 months on January 9th..Everything above defines him and then some more. I don’t know how, but i can honestly and truthfully say that i’m completely inlove with this man..maybe it’s because i fell inlove with him before i even started noticing this, or because i also know a different side to him..but whatever it is, i’m stuck. I have never had a boyfriend who treated me so horribly before..my recent ex is actually his step brother, he was a bad boyfriend but not as bad as his brother..My boyfriend has done the following :
-Spit in my face more than once ( i’d say about 4 times i dont exactly remember)
-Has had sex with my (ex) best friend more than once, plus 2 other girls ( that i know of )
-made me delete my myspace, then made me delete my face book a little after..
- deleted numerous numbers in my cell phone.
- basically took away all of my friends.
- punched two holes in my bedroom wall.
He’s in jail right now, for the 2nd time within 6 months, and it’s like i am too..i’m not allowed to go out at all. he’ll call me and even when i tell him the truth about what i’m doing he still thinks i’m a ” lying bitch “. When he was home, we were together 247 literally we basically lived together just switched from my house to his..When someone would text my phone, he would grab it and read it and no matter WHO it was, get completely jealous and start a fight even if it was one of my girlfriends! GUYS… OUT OF THE QUESTION. never. My bestfriend ( not the one he slept with ) is not allowed to hang out with me..he thinks shes a slut and a whore and she is completely not. i’m not allowed to go out by myself, ever to hang out with anyone or he’ll break up with me and call me a whole bunch of names..Every single day at least once a day, he lets me know that he can’t trust me and never will, and how much of a cheating whore he thinks i am. Now, i have never cheated on my boyfriend the entire 8 months we’ve been going out, yet he’s had sex with 3 other girls, probably more, that i know of..and i’m the cheating slut?
I’m the type of girl who likes to hang with the boys.. i’ve always been that way, not because i’m a whore, i have 4 older brothers, i’m just used to hangin like one of the guys..and 85% of my friends were guys. Now i talk to none of them. But then it’s like all of his girls in his phone i can’t delete, he can go out whenever he wants, hang out with who ever he wants, and no matter how hard i try to be like him, and controll what he does, he laughs. and it’s not like he doesnt know he’s like this, he does…it’s like he just does not care at all.
I can understand why he wouldnt trust me a little bit because last time he was in jail he told me not to hang out with my friends and i thought that was unfair, but i didn’t want to fight with him since we only had a limited time to talk on the phone and it cost money wich me or my mom does not have..so i told him i was home to keep the peace, but sometimes i was out with friends..not being unfaithful, just hanging out. He judges me on my past, and wants me to delete every single picture i have saved on my computer from over the years, like he wants to erase my past completely.. and i miss my friends.. and even when me and him do go out the rare times we do, it’s not the same..all my friends will be there, but i can’t be myself i can’t joke and laugh because i never know what will set him off so i’m scared..i can’t stare at ANY guys not even convorsation.. and even if im not he’ll still think i am, so i choose just to stare at the floor for a good majority of the night, just to save the fighting…but then when i do that he’ll tell me i’m being embarassing and ” what the fuck is wrong with you, wipe that fuckin look off your face. ” i just can’t win…no matter what i do or how i try i cannot win.
I try to talk to him all the time, actually sit him down and talk to him, and try to fix us..because i love him, i love him so much i want us to work ive seen his good side and i want that part of him. I’ll tell him that he should atleast try to trust me, pretend even if he must, and maybe if he keeps it up for a long enough time he actually will.. i don’t know when he got the idea in his head that i was a compulsive lying cheating slut.. but he did..and i tell him, ” you tell yourself that every day that why you believe it so much, but thats not me at all. ” and it’s really not.. it’s sad to think 8 months and your boyfriend doesn’t even know who you are.
He would put me down alot..im 17 and i mean, i think i’m pretty..i was always told throughout my life that i was beautiful..i’ve had alot of boyfriends.. i always felt pretty..until recently, i feel so self concious around him..i’m starting more and more to notice things about myself that i hate..like the size of my breasts could be much bigger…and my legs could be skinner..along with my stomache..i have no hips, im a little white.. i’ve even started going tanning again and i joined the gym. He’ll tell me i look like shit..i went to visit him the other day in jail and he told me i looked like i got hit by an 18 wheeler..i mean it’s not that big but, it still hurts when the person you love says you don’t look good. Sometimes i would tell him ” you’re my boyfriend, youre supposed to think i’m beautiful no matter what i wear or how my hair is done..” and he’d laugh.
I just dont know what to do..all of my friends dont want me with him, even his family tells me to leave him. i can’t though. I feel like i literally can’t..like i’m attatched to him or something..part of me feels like its because we’re together so much, and that maybe if we could do our own thing once in a while, hang out with our friends, we wouldnt fight so much..but i’m so afraid to ask him because i know what it will lead to.. and somehow EVERYTHING leads to ” i know your being a slut and fuckin other guys ” no matter what it is… like, i could tell him i took my dog for a walk.. ” Why so you could look for guys to fuck? ” like its to the point where it’s just getting rediculous and i feel like honestly just saying fuck it all. but it’s so incredibly hard for me to leave.. and then the few times i have tried to leave if i was at his house, i would choose just to get my shit and walk out because he would get crazy sometimes, and when i tried to do that he would lock me in his house and stand infront of the door or follow me to the next door and push me away. and he doesn’t care who we fight infront of, this once happened infront of one of his older sisters husbands friends…screaming at me, calling me names, spitting in my face, throwing me around. the guy was so scared he pretended he didnt even see it. and then when i would retaliate and finally smack him in the face or something, im the abusive one.
I just dont know. I’m sorry this is so long, theres so much more, i could write a book talking about him and the things he does..
thanks.
Im 19 yrs old I know what you mean my x (father of my daughter) is in jail he did pretty much the same thing as ur boyfriend he broke my cell phone he wanted me to delete my facebook or give him the password i was not aloud to listen to music he told me that im on house arrest im not aloud to talk to my friends or family till our daughter is born and that if i left he would have nothing to do with me or the child..and now his mom is calling me all the time threating me and all that fun stuff
He turned muslim all of a sudden and started treating me like shit i did something bad when we were on a break and i was living with my mom somthing im not proud of but it happend stuf happens but anyways we were always together 24/7 7 days a week he told me that when he has his “friends” from the mosque (muslim church) he would put up a sheet on the living room door way so i couldnt see them and they couldnt see me and if i wanted to talk to him i had to knock on the wall and wait for him to come in the other room to talk to me…
Im still soo much in love with him i cant get the person he was when i first met him i want my old love to come back we us to look at each other with soo much love…but now im soo upset and scared to bring and a poor little baby who has done nothing wrong into this world to deal with a father and a grandmother like this
I kind of feel like this is where my relationship is headed. I can not go anywhere without him, be with anyone else besides him. He dictates our plans for the week, what classes I should take in school and who I hang out with in my family. I love him with all of my heart, but this relationship is completely different then when it began. I do not know how to explain to him that its not all about him, I am involved. He always has panic attacks if i leave and go to a movie with my own father and not with him. He thinks he is the third wheel all the time and that I do not love him if i decide to do something he does not approve of. I am so perplexed. I do not know what to do….
Im not going to tell u what to do i will give u some advies mine and my exs relationship started out great he would come with me to my familys house for diner and just to visit and we would go to our friends places and visit all of a sudden i was not aloud to go out anywhere not aloud to go on facebook not aloud to see my family or friends he told me that my friends werent really my friends and there not going to be there for me and i was not aloud to listen to music not aloud my own cell phone that i pay for..dont get my wrong i still love me ex with everything i have we have a daughter on the way but its not worth being controled u are ur own person u need to live life for u….
Guys like this really piss me off. I was just recently dating a girl who had only been with abusive guys in her past. All her ex’s either beat her and controlled everything she did, or cheated on her.
Even when I first met her, before we were going out, she was seeing another guy at the same time and didn’t tell me until I asked her to be my gf. The sad thing is that this guy, the rumor going around, is that he beat up his last gf. And the whole time we were going out he would call her and tell her he loves her and is so depressed without her. Put a lot of stress and strain.
Now if I ever said anything about it, or that it’s stressing me, she would flip out and claim I am just like every other guy and trying to control her. She would turn it into a fight. If I said something wrong that she didn’t like, even if I didnt mean to, she would go talk to the other guy and let me know she was. She just couldnt stop from turning everything into a fight and felt she had to get back at me for things I didnt know would upset her, like having to stay home with my family at christmas dinner and not being able to have it with her family. Then she decided that she wouldnt have sex with me cuz she knows it’s all i want and plan on leaving her and cheating on her anyways.
Anyways, I had to break it off with her last week and just stop talking to her, even though it hurt so bad. I couldn’t be with someone that made me feel like I wasn’t trustworthy, like I wasn’t worth anything, like i’m a cheater, or like that i’m lower than a girl beater.
I still hurt a lot though cuz i cared about her and wanted to be different from other guys. I wanted it to just work and be simple, just happiness, not stressful and complicated. So I end up getting hurt too, it’s not just the girl that gets hurt but future guys who actually like her.
I know my boyfiend is controlling and negative. But then he tries so hard to make me happy. He really does his best to realize when he is wrong and usually accepts his falts. At first he thought he was not controlling and then one day at the mall it really came out in full bore. I wanted to try on two shirts and he said “this one is ugly” and put it back on the wrack. If i did not have a newborn child with him I probably would have left him long ago. I dont leave him now because he is trying to do the right thing and really wants us to work out. Sometimes I really am unsure about our relationship especially because we are extremely different. He is needy aswell. I am more independant. He does not want me to smoke ciggeretts and I feel like he is trying to contoll me but then I know I should not be smoking especailly while breastfeeding but I feel so stressed. We fight over stupid stuff and its hard to tell if its him or me. I know that he flys off the handle and it drives me nuts. sometimes I really think I would be better off without him and his negativity but i dont want to give up just because its not perfect. I am just so confused sometimes I just feel its a matter of time. I hate being controlled. Its extremely hard with a new baby becasue I am not working and he barely works. we handg out too much. I have let it happen. its just hard to get away from him especailly with new child. sometimes he talks about us being together forever and I just say yes. in the back of my mind I think if you can grow up and not be so negative.
[…] I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted out. I wasn’t growing as a person, felt suppressed, totally controlled and strung along; total toxic relationship. (It wasn’t surprising that a majority of my […]
Hey. I was at one time with a boyfriend for 3 years who was very abusive emotionally and at a point in time it nearly became physical. He would tell me what to wear and what not to wear and this really freaked me out. He was way too possessive of me and would not allow me to be with friends or even say hi to guys be they family or what. I was really an emotional ruin, I was emotionally bruised and lost trust in men. I felt so unloved such that I would seek comfort from other people but it was never enough. At one time he threatened to beat me up and that was it. I simply walked out of the relationship coz I couldn’t take it anymore and the moment I did I felt the inner peace and fulfilment that I had lost return instantly. Girls it is time we do something about this, do the right thing, simply walk away. That way you will be safe and you will be able to help others about just where you’ve been.
Hi, i am back again……….. i read your comments regarding walking away but its never that easy, how can you walk away when you have no home or money to do so, i have children too, i cant lead them away from comfort. if i was beaten then yes i would go because the children come first and to see violence would be unspeakable but there is no violence just mind controll where he right i am wrong and no sex because he tired or he worried about money or because he had to let out the dogs at night, turn the lights of, you no, excuses as to why he wont touch me. my confidence has blown, he is more of a boss/father figure than a lover. i am hoping one day, something will happen to make me leave, but until then, its impossible
I was in a relationship with a very controlling person(didn’t know this at the time) & had become as nasty as him coz telling him that his ways hurt me only made him do more of it. So I had to find another way out. Moreover I worked with him in the same office. I also knew that such kinda men have a big EGO. So I started throwing similar tantrums so he got fedup of me and finally after 2 long years dumped me. I too the opportunity to tell a friend in front of him that I got a new boyfriend. This sent him in a total spiral for attention & security that he started dating another colleague of mine. Now I can see his modus operandi and realize what shit I have put up with. Well I have tried to give this friend hints of his abusive nature but she’s totally in love with him..we’ll he’s good at controlling that bit . Feel sorry for her..But thank God…I managed to get rid of him.
To all of the young women who posted about these guys, RUN!RUN AWAY FAST!
I spent the last 4 and 1/2 years on a controlling abusive man. We were married for the last 2. I eeven put him in prison finally for hitting me and then took him back which was really stupid!I left for good 3 months ago and have had no contact. My life isn’t perfect but it is a heckuva lot better than it was!By the way, read some things about BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER on the web because alot of it fits these guys. And as a therapist told me, “borderlines don’t change”. Please get out of these relationships. I hate to see ,particularly , all these young women still in their teens wasting their time with these horrible men.You deserve to be treated well,girlfriend!
So today i left my bf.. i have said a million and one times that i will leave him, that my friends thing i’m full of crap, so have faith that i will. i was looking online for help, and this came up. i have been w/ him for almost 3 yrs. he does that promising thing when i leave about how he will change. he buys me things all the time. he smokes marijuanna which i hate.. i’m not allowed to say not one thing about it b/c he is a grown man and can do as he pleases and he is going to stop when he gets in the air force… he stays checking my phone and is pissed off when things are deleted, he makes me apologize about everything and makes me feel like i’m the bad guy. i never had a black eye just bruises and pulled hair, and pushes and stuff.. he would make it seem like its not that bad, b/c look at what Chris did to Rihanna… sad i know… i have faith that today is my last.. i had to be nice last night to get my phone back and while he was sleep i made plans to stay at my friends, so this morning while he was gone, i got dressed for work and loaded my car… i have problems w/ family and firends b/c of hime and he takes full advatage of him taking care of me b/c i have no body.. this sucks… but i have some strength =)
I would just like to add my piece of mind . Being involved with a bulgarian man i’ve been in this relationship for 9 years and only opened my eyes now. They use u 4 there benefitn business everywhere ect . The mother is so bad she phones u to verbal abuse you even though u dont know here. She brings him woman from all over Italy bulgaria to force her son to marry them WHAT PARENT WILL DO THAT TO THERE KIDS THEY LOVE ???? u get threatened from the brother that’s not even his own brother. The maid in the house try’s and spite’s you cause she part of this family . I don’t even live with this man. I’m born in South west grew up in Upington / freestate /gauteng i was married to a Rhodesian 14 years what lovely people they are. Got involved with this man from day 1 was verbal abuse till up 2 2 day i had enough of this always prayed and thought it will change cause his actually a nice person. Sorry to say but all you men from europe r mentally disturb. Hope this advice will open up somebody elses eyes….
I never realized how bad it was till the day i said i wanted to work and he tould me if i want to get a job then i can get out and move back in with my dad every time i want to see my family it starts a fight and if i stay longer then i said i must be up to something like cheating on him even if i wanted to i cant he wont allow me to have any space he tells me i cant smoke any more then three somke a day and if he gets mad then he takes one away (I do hide them aroud the house though) if i want to go out with my friends its a no no i have to call him every half hour and when i dont he does 20 q and then starts asking what time how long i takled to someone and who if i forget i talked to someone im lying im not aloud to the store alone and if i do leave the house to bring the dog out for a walk i have to talk to him the whole time he even pays all my bills i thought it was a nice thing to help me out now i see its not the worse thing about it all is if i dont do what he wants me to do in bed then he says i dont love him im 29 and dont know how to handle this any more we have been together for almost a yr and my family and kids love him i feel like a 10yr kid again
So many of your stories are really sad. Please girls, you have control to choose who you want to be with. If things are not going well and you are not happy and you have tried over and over to talk to your man and work together to make the situation better and it’s still the same, then it’s time for you to move on. Think about how much happier you could be. You only get one life why would you want to waste years of it with someone that does not appreciate who you are and respects you for you. Your life is worth more then that and you deserve to be happy. Please choose to be.
I’ve been with this guy for almost 2 years, yes in the beginning it was romance fun relationship. The way he talks to me feels like he doesn’t care about me. He tells me to shut up and that I get on his nerves all the time. I can never get a word in and yes he always wants to be right and I am so sick of it! I know that one of these days it will be over, with his attitude and the way he treats me that just makes me have less feelings for him which is going to lead to leaving him. Life goes on we live and learn.
It’s plain as day the author of this “Pile of vomit” is a biased man hating wench. If i am wrong why is this written against men period, it should “Controlling Partners” with a non sexist approach, the author is a dried up cooch and needs to that fist out her ass and stop misleading people.
BITCH GET IN THE KITCHEN AND FIX ME SOME SANDWICHES!!!!!
i cant even tell if im in the wrong or he is?
I’ve been with this guy for 2 months ..
im not allowed to wear low tops
im not allowed to show my legs
im not allowed to have guy mates
im not allowed to comment guy friends on fb or write on there status
not allowed to accept guys on facebook
if one guy says anything sexual to me or even gives me a look in town , he’l knock them out.
not allowed to dance in clubs
been stopped from going to a foam party
i cant wear leggings
cant get any face piercings because there “slutty”
cant even wear dresses anymore
to a point i understand this , because men that care about there girlfriends wouldnt want them bringing unwanted attention from other guys ? but men that care about there girlfriends , dont they also accept them for who they are? and accept how they want to dress or do etc ?
I just literally dont know.I care about him so much , and sometimes i think what he says is really flattering but its also like im not even who i am anymore, but a part of me doesnt want to go back to who i was when i was single because at that point in my life i didnt have someone looking out for me all the time.I need advice so bad or someone to tell me who’s in the wrong here because i feel to blame for everything.
okay, so i have been dating this guy for like two months but we started talking 5 months ago, at first he was fine and didnt tell me to do anything, but now he says i cant talk to any of my guy friends, hug them wave to them or anything, he has made me delete all the guys of my facebook and myspac but a few, plus he goes onto my facebook and myspace and checks it like 10 times a day to make sure im not doing anthing wrong, he also goes through all my contacts and text messages in my phone? i have no idea what to do.
Everything stated above made me feel like the writer observed my relationship for a week and wrote this.. I don’t know what to do. One thing he did that wasn’t mentioned though was he destroyed my expensive property after an argument then said I learned my lesson. I’m stuck in a reality that is no loner real to me.
okay i already know these traits but i just want to know how to break up with him or get rid of him hes gotten to the point where he WILL not let me do anything if he doesnt like my friends too bad theyr gone i cant talk to them i cant hang out with them he HAS to know the password to all of my stuff so he can check through it all making sure i dont cheat on him ect and he also deletes ALL of my guy friends on there even if theyr gay or my family without my permission and he blocks people and when i unblock them he gets mad and completely goes off. and he always has to be around me he wont let me be alone even when i need it. he wont let me out MY own house without permission or knowing where i am at and when ill be gone and back and knowing everything im going to do or who will be there and most of the time he says no. why? because he wants time with me when he gets it more than own self. he calls 24/7 and when i dont pick up he leaves me angry e-mails saying “wow? dont pick up, thats fine with me, didnt think youd ignore me like that ect.” he wont let me talk to anyone els on the phone sometimes he wont let me go to sleep when im tired kuz hes not finished (talking or hanging out) ive gained weight kuz of the stress and because he wont let me get off the phone to exercise and do my daily routines. its annoying as hell and last time i tried breaking up with him he tried killing himself he wasnt kidding kuz i was right there and he wont let me go so i just want to know how to get rid of him for good without him flipping out or doing something crazy.
It was a whirlwind courtship– he was so perfect, so sweet, bringing flowers for no reason, etc. He treated me like gold and swept me off my feet, even convincing me to move in with him a few short months after we met and started dating. We have been together CONSTANTLY since we met; especially after he lost his job.
I have twice found evidence of him cheating, the 1st time he had a girl come to our apartment while I was out of the state with family, the 2nd time at least meeting another woman for a drink if not more. He denies all and claims that nothing happened…. I don’t have PROOF either way; I’m not convinced. He has admitted to me that he cheated on all his past relationships- girlfriends and ex-wife.
He accuses me of talking to other guys, including an “ex” that I used to have an online-only relationship with. Yes I’ve talked to a few guys, friends, and admittedly had one somewhat inappropriate conversation… but I haven’t slept with anyone and truly would not do so. I’m not perfect but I’m no cheater.
I just went out of state again to visit friends– and it just so happens that the online “ex” lives in that state, 5 hour drive from my friends’ house. Boyfriend went ballistic a couple of days into my visit, accusing me of sleeping with the online ex, and so on. He broke into all my accounts- email, skype, facebook, phone to check my text and call records, he even looked in my files and searched online to find information, to answer my security questions. He has read all my email and dug in my phone before, and blown up about things that happened before he and I even met. He went through my computer and deleted any old files that he didn’t like (such as online ex’s address, he and I used to mail each other little fun pkgs). So… while I was on my trip, he broke into the mentioned accounts, and began spamming my phone with calls that I would not answer, flooded my email, used my Skype account to message the friends I was staying with, demanding I come home immediately and emailing threats to change my plane ticket to force me to come home, threatening to come to my friends’ house and find me, threatened suicide. I didn’t give in to any of these things and said I would call the cops about the suicide- that shut him up, but he still wouldn’t calm down. He later sent me an email with a “compromise”, that was all about the things he wanted. He loses his temper over any little thing, and demands things of me. I feel like he just stays with me to get what he wants… then he will turn around and be kind and caring, asking if I need anything, etc. I feel so manipulated!! He wears me down until I agree to things that I really don’t want to, but then when I fail to live up to the “promise”, I’m the bad guy. One of these things is a certain sexual act, that I have a very hard time doing because of an experience in my past. He knows it’s traumatic but he’s demanding that I do this thing once a week… the expectations are stressful and hurtful. He threatens to end the relationship over this– that is his standard response to not getting what he wants. (me not talking to certain people, etc)
He will call fifteen times in two minutes, and if I don’t answer he gets very angry, accuses me of ignoring him, etc. I have little privacy and I’m just getting fed up with the whole controlling/jealous thing. I’m not facing physical abuse or the level of control some others here have, but it is definitely an issue. I don’t know how I’m going to get out, I live with him and don’t feel like I have anywhere to go.
He has agreed to go to counseling; this is my last hope for this guy. I do care about him and we have a lot in common, but it’s the temper, childishness, jealousy, and controlling factors that are driving me away. He seems to want to change… I just don’t know if he will be able to.
Thanks for listening, feels good to get this out!
It’s really hard to break up with a controlling boyfriend. I know this because of my last one. At first he was the best boyfriend in the world. Cooked me dinner, rubbed my back every morning, bought me everything I wanted. after a year he started to try and change me told me that it was for my own good. I’m not the type of girl that likes being told what to do or how to be. and I will fight till the end. I grew up watching my mother be controlled and beaten I will not let that happen to me. But these controlling men know how to dig in like a tic, and what we girls need to do is break out the blow torch and burn them like they do to us, turn the tables if you must. Just be strong and stand tall, there has to be someone out there that will love you for you. god I hope theres someone for me
hiya girls , just want sum advice asap, ive been with my boyfriend about a year and 4 months he s realy controling, he dont like my mum and slags her off to me , he dont like my friend and im not allowed to see her and she lives far away from me , last time i saw her was in december , she missed my birthday, i didnt even see my mum on my birthday, he gest me down so much and it makes me so depressed im having counsoling cuz its getting my down so much and i cant tell him cuz i know wat he will be like, im a student hairdresser and when i have my hair all up and nice he says he dont like it and tryes to take it down he dont like me wearing alot of make up he calls it fake up , he dont like me wearing short skirts in the summer cuz he thinks all the guys in town will stare at me, hes very insecure and its getting to the point where i cant take it no more and im 19 and i dont do what normal 19 year olds do we take turns staying round each other on weekends and it gets so boring i have told him its over but he cries then i 4give him i am a strong person but i just cant seem to let go im his first girlfriend and i love him to bits, ive sed to him change ur ways or its over hes ok for a bit then he goes back to his controling ways please help me wat shud i do !!!! :(
Please honey get the hell away from him, and run as fast as you can. You always need to look at the bigger picture. He will never get better and yes as time goes on it will be worst. Love your self, you are a young women and there are many men out there. just be careful and yes figure your way out before you leave have your plan all mapped out.. there is little room for error. best of luck to you sweets!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What if you have A friend thats in a controlling relationship? you see it but what can you do? im so affraid of losing my friend if i tell her to leave him. Not to metion but the other day she told me that her bf thinks that im gay for her! he said because we hang out all the time and were always together he feels that way….however this isnt the only friend he told her that.. All of her “girlfriends” are somehow Gay for her! She now hardly hangs out with anyone because it makes him unhappy and she doesnt hang out with her guy friends either because he thinks they all hit on her! it drives me freakin crazy…. not to metion when im with them its like she completly ignores me! i feel like the third wheel all the time and that irretates me because i dont do that when i have a bf…. this is just s little bit of what he does. I tell her she needs to leave and break up with him, she thinks about it and says she will but then finds something or some reason not to leave him…i feel hopeless and like im letting my friend down by not gettign her out of this relationship…
hey iv been with my boyfriend fot 6months now im only 16 years old, at first he liked going out nd being with my friends but now whenever i want to go out with my friends he always gets angry, i can never go by my self without him non stop texting me or getting angry. hes so insecure and jealouse, i cant even have a shower without him timing me on how long im going to be specially when im not with him. also i have to text him back in a matter of minutes or he thinks im cheating on him. he used to buy me heaps and now he doesnt and always demands me to buy him things and keeps track of my money and says that i waste my money because im not spending it on him, im really confused with this behaviour i have never gone throught this before. also he wont let me speak to any guy friends and doesnt even like me texting my girl mates, he gets jealous. i really want to leave him i cry all the time, but im scared that if i do i will be left with nothing no friends, nothing. PLEASE HELP
Your only 16! I’m 18 and i was in an abusive relationship that I didn’t know about until I got out of it. As soon as i broke up with the guy just because it didn’t feel right he went crazy. Started stalking me at school, and even drove to the movie theater because he knew I was going to be there. Then he said he was really sorry and he loved me. When I didn’t respond because there was nothing I could do, he kept calling and calling and calling. I blocked 3 numbers that he used and had to resort to telling him i was going to call the police for harassment if he didn’t stop. It finally worked. And hes stopped now, so the worst is over.
Your boyfriend will only get worse if you don’t get out of this, as hard as it is you need to leave him. Think about if you marry this guy and you have a baby with these kinds of problems? You can barely handle it now. You will always have family and friends will stick by you, I guarantee. Mine did and they’ve helped me so much and your scenario is so much worse. He’s playing mind games with you. I hope you can break up with him. When you do, you need to go in with the mindset that he doesn’t love you no matter what he says, because if he did he wouldn’t be controlling. Don’t let him talk you out of it. My ex did and it was so much worse the second time. THEY DO NOT CHANGE! You cannot change someone no matter how hard you try and you cannot make someone upset or make someone do anything. My ex always used to say, “why are u doing this to me?”, “why do u make me feel this way?” I used to get so upset thinking what I said was mean or maybe I can change. I didn’t have the power to make him upset is what my mom would always say and it’s true. You don’t have any control over what he does or how he thinks he feels, but you do have control of yourself and I know you can feel that it’s not right or else you wouldn’t be asking for help.
I have had 3 loves so far. First relationship being 2 yrs, second relationship lasting for a yr, and this most recent one (the abusive one) for 7 months. It wasn’t normal the way my ex behaved and its not normal the way your boyfriend is behaving. You have to keep in mind that you will find someone who will treat you better–you don’t want to settle for anyone. I wish the best for you and good luck. It’s not easy and its unfortunate, but you can get through it because so many other women have. Don’t let it get worse.
ive been in my relationship for 5 months,im 17,and 3 months pregnant. in the beginning it was all good but now i cant even go to school with out it being a problem i cant wear jeans i have to wear sweat pants all the time i dont even speak to my friends anymore they dont want nothing to do with me because of him all he does is talk really bad about them and he doesnt even know them i miss them but from those problems it went to i cant even leave my house with out him and even if its to a prenatal visit its a problem if he feels im lieing he will go to my doctors office to see if im there and its crazy he puts me down all the time he calls me a hoe and im a b***h and what guys d*** am i sucking today and all i do is cry i tell him all the time do you not see im having your baby not anyone elses he doesnt care he tells me well for him being my babys father i treat him like crap and it got worst he hits me all the time about two months ago he punched me in my jaw and dislocated it but the force he used im so surprised he didnt break it and i tell him im going to leave he tells me if you have enough balls to leave me then you’ll find out the consequences i love him i do but im scared i dont know what to do i dont really speak to my mom because of him i cant have no type of contact to people he feels that will help me to leave him i want him to know his baby but im scared he’ll do something just to get back at me i do pray that one day he wakes up and hes a better person but i dont think he will ever change for the better i want to be with him but im scared im just confused can anyone give me some type of advice