The Top 10 Big Nips and Tucks
Written by: Sammy Sanchez
February 9, 2009
Filed Under Celebrities
From Dr. 90210 to Dr. 9021 Oh God no, celebs in Hollywood have become even more shamelessly obsessed over recent years with defying the aging process and reinventing themselves, ultimately screwing up their mugs to obscene proportions in the process. Splice-and-dice-themed television shows such as “Nip/Tuck”, “Dr. 90210” and “Extreme Makeover” have only increased our morbid fascination with freaky-deeky medical procedures. Whether they were going for a plumper pout, a smoother complexion or a pair of symmetrical boobs, here are my votes for Top 10 botched celebrity plastic surgery procedures.
Cher. I remember a time when the only fake items on Cher’s face were her mod false eyelashes. Today, the self-proclaimed “plastic surgery poster girl” has confessed to every surgical procedure in the book from botox to breast enlargements, face lifts to rhinoplasty, plus laser surgery to remove all her “I heart Sonny Bono” tattoos. Honestly I feel like slapping you silly Cher, pleading with you to SNAP OUT OF IT like you did to a stunned Nick Cage in “Moonstruck.” I always thought you looked your best back in your old pre-nose-job days, but that’s just me. Please Cher, lay off the cutting. Your drag queen fan base loves you just the way you are.
Back in the ’90s, while Shannen Doherty was busy getting into cat fights in various Los Angeles hotspots, her “90210” co-star Tori Spelling was busy fighting with her own reflection. Yes, television’s favorite virgin Donna Martin wasn’t happy with her nose or her A cups, so after she begged prime-time soap television producer Aaron Spelling (aka Daddy) to let her star on a hit teen TV series, she begged him for a new schnoz and boobies to match. Her nose got off fine, but her Donnas didn’t fare as well with a strange chest dent left behind serving as a dead fake boob giveaway.
After denying it for a decade or so, Tori finally dishes all about it in her book “STORI Telling,” telling her side of the surgical sTori … amongst other juicy tales of ribaldry.
No need to be embarrassed, Tori. I don’t mind that you got a nose job and boob job, but I do have a word of advice. I know you wanted it fast but next time, try to avoid Jiffy Boob and go to the best doc in your zip code … you can afford it.
Pamela Anderson’s sTori is a little more complex than your average “girl-goes-to-Hollywood-girl-gets-bigger-rack” tale. The pretty Canadian came to the States at the tender age of 18 on a quest to make it big. Pam did make it big, but her hooters made it bigger.
When she first arrived on U.S. soil, Pam’s bra size was a modest, healthy 34A. Five years later in 1990, her Playboy Playmate status had her Bra Strapped and weighing in at a 36B. Seven years later and after a number of gigs on the boob tube, Pam became a 34C, then upgraded again to a D-cup. Just when we thought Pam was locked, loaded and boob secure, she shocked the world by having her now famous implants removed in 1999 claiming she wanted to let her body go back to its natural state. I don’t buy it Pam, personally I think you just lost a high stakes boobie bet.
A decade later the juggs are back and bigger than ever. They’re more than a few sizes too big for my personal taste Pam, but I’m sure Tommy Lee still thinks you’re the breast.
7. Wayne Newton
The last time I went to Vegas, I was thrilled to hear legendary lounge singer and entertainer Wayne Newton serenade a very special guest in the audience. It wasn’t his wife of 15 years, Kathleen … it was his plastic surgeon. This is what he sang:
darling danke schoen
thank you for all the joy and pain
Eyebrow lift, second surgery
In the O-R we’d meet,
put to sleep,
removed crow’s feet,
you were sweet.
Danke schoen to you, Wayne. Your face has given me more giggles than a Tickle Me Elmo.
Hail Mary full of Graceland, what have you done to your face?! You married into rock ‘n’ roll royalty and became the chick every chick wanted to trade places with when you nabbed the Hound Dog trillions of teens wanted to gift their virginity to. You were beautiful, fresh-faced and angelic then. Now you look strange, eerie-faced and satanic.
The 62-year-old actress recently made an appearance last season on “Dancing with the Stars” and voters booted her off after her rumba. I guess you don’t have much luck with Rumbas Priscilla… it kinda looks like a Roomba ran over your face.
Tinseltown has graced actor Mickey Rourke with a new moniker, and it ain’t “People’s Sexiest Man Alive.” Rourke has recently been christened the ultimate “Comeback Kid” after nabbing an Oscar nomination and winning The Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture Drama for his portrayal of Randy “The Ram” Robinson, a pro wrestler past his prime, holding on to what remains of a once-famous career. Funny how art imitates life, eh Mick? We remember Mickey fondly as the hot and dangerous bad boy who fed Kim Basinger yummy snacks from the fridge in “9 ½ Weeks” as well as other memorable performances in “The Pope of Greenwich Village,” “Body Heat,” “Rumble Fish” and “Diner.”
Early in his career, Rourke invited comparisons to Marlon Brando, James Dean and Robert DeNiro … now, after a number of face lifts, hair transplants and creepy upper eye lifts, the only icon Mickey’s getting compared to is the Cowardly Lion from “The Wizard of Oz.”
4. Joan Rivers
When I first saw this image of Joan Rivers I thought it was an ad for Hillary Clinton rubber Halloween masks, no offense Hill. Joan Rivers is one bitter old lady who actresses love to hate. The 73-year-old comedienne has constructed a career for herself out of bashing A-list Hollywood starlets for wearing the wrong gowns, accessories and hairstyles at high-profile awards shows. I might be wrong here, but isn’t wearing the wrong face a considerably worse offense? I have to applaud you Joan for being completely honest and never denying your multiple rounds of cosmetic surgery. By my count you’ve had an eye tuck, two facelifts, at least one nose job and enough Botox to keep a year’s supply of Gordon’s Frozen Fish sticks ice cold.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but nothing will ever wrinkle that forehead.
Donatella is sister of great designer Gianni Versace. Donatella all that’s left of House of Versace. Donatella love clothes. Donatella love cigarettes and champagne. Donatella love to brush her hair that was taken from pretty Italian pony. Donatella love collagen, face lifts and having orange skin. One thing Donatella no like? Donatella no like children. My face, it scare them away. They cry when they see Donatella and ask their mamas “Mama, why the lady have a face like man from ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’? I say to them, “Get out from in front of my face you little children! Donatella don’t want your snot on her dress, so GET OUT!!!
Donatella leave you now to go smoke and tan, so get out of here before I love you too much.
You listen to Donatella.
Donatella say Get oooouutt!!!!
2. Tara Reid
You’ve heard of the shot heard round the world? Well, consider this the boob seen ’round the world when anyone with a Wi-Fi connection could watch, download, and replay Tara Reid’s botched boob job as she unknowingly flashed her left titty titty bang bang to a sea of ecstatic paparazzi flashbulbs at P. Diddy’s birthday bash in New York City. Tara has reportedly repaired her boobage, but the damage is still done. Seeing Tara’s massacred mammary frightened me. It frightened me more than the thought of my imminent death, more than seeing Linda Blair levitate in her bed during “The Exorcist” when I was 7 … it frightened me more than Dick Cheney. Thanks to you and your nauseating nipple I still have to sleep with a nightlight. Thanks a lot Tara.
Is it just me, or did Michael’s face look better when he was the greenish ghoul in the “Thriller” video? I used to adore you Michael. You were the theme of my sixth-grade birthday party. My cake featured your face (back when it was all in one piece) and I even had your sequined glove that I wore every day with pride. Now your nose is falling off, your chin looks like a butt, and your skin is white as snow. You are no longer a PYT (Pretty Young Thing), you’re a PFT … Pretty F’ed Up Thing.
I wish I could communicate this without hurting your feelings, Michael, because I know how sensitive you get, but there’s no other way to say it:
Your face looks bad, it’s bad, you know it, you know.
And The Whole World Has To Answer Right Now
Just To Tell You Once Again,