Contributed by Robert P. Simon, Catalogs.com Info Guru
We’ve all seen them. Some of us may even be them…
These are the real gym miscreants, those guys who you schedule your workout time to miss. Here’s my list, starting at ten and working up to the worst gym offender of all time, #1.
10. The Preener
Hey college boy: It is not necessary to stand in front of the full-height mirror and admire your physique for 30 minutes. You can do that at home– at least until your little sister kicks you out of the bathroom. I don’t care about your abs, I don’t want to see them, and no, I didn’t come to the gym to co-star in your personal Abercrombie ad.
9. The Sweater
People sweat. I understand. I do it too. But if you look like you just attempted to compete in the World Sauna Championships with shorts and a T-shirt on at least wipe the bench off when you’re done, OK?
8. The Pack
Like motorcyclists and small animals, children often travel in packs. This is fine… until I have to navigate a large group of adolescent boys alternately watching each other work out and gossiping about girls every time I want a sip of water. Little hint: You’ll make a lot more progress if you don’t have to ’work in’ your sets with 12 other guys. This group avoids a higher ranking only because I was once one of them.
7. The Wet Blanket
I’m more than willing to give a spot or share some tips, and I never mind a little friendly conversation. However, I’m sorry to say that I didn’t budget an extra two hours into my day just so we could cover every last detail of your personal chronology as you follow me from station to station.
6. The Bro
Jersey Shore. ‘Nuff said. Leave the headband and the hair gel at home, friend. And don’t call me ‘Bro.’
5. The CEO
Are you really so busy that you need to work out with your Bluetooth headset on? Did it not occur to you that it might be just a little bit distracting for me to listen to you loudly dictate the details of every ‘important transaction’ you made during the day while you sweat it out on the treadmill? Couldn’t you have done that during ANY OTHER TIME of the day– like maybe while you were slamming down your third Grande Double Chai Soy Super Latte heated to exactly 92.7 degrees at Starbucks?
4. The Wannabee
There’s a good chance you’re not the strongest guy at the gym. Loading up 200 pounds more than you could ever hope to lift and proceeding to strain, scream and grimace your way through a two inch range of motion is not going to impress anyone. It’s not going to fool the rest of us. It IS going to make you look just a little bit insecure.
3. The Hoarder
It’s not necessary to use three benches, sixteen dumbbells and four towels at the same time, all while rotating through 4 different machines. The rest of us pay for this stuff, too.
2. The Slob
This guy’s mother apparently never taught him the value of putting things away after he’d finished using them. Nobody wants to spend thirty minutes putting away the 500 pounds of plates you left lying in the middle of the floor. And look, there’s a reason all the equipment gets put back in the same location every time it’s not being used– so the rest of us don’t spend 15 minutes walking around in circles trying to find that dumbbell you left lying on the other side of the gym.
1. The Curl Monkey
This guy only ever does one thing at the gym. He curls. He curls with his hands facing forward. He curls with his hands facing backwards. He curls for lots of reps, or sometimes for only a few. He curls very slowly, usually, but on special days he‘ll bang them out at light speed. If he’s really trying to show off, he’ll get his whole body into it and curl more weight than he ought to with some bizarre twitchy full body heave that makes MY back hurt. One thing he never does is curl without rolling up his sleeves (assuming he had them to begin with) and staring at his overdeveloped biceps in the mirror. And this is all fine, I suppose. Just one thing, Curl Monkey: Please, don’t ever, ever, EVER, curl in the squat rack!!!