Contributed by Aurora LaJambre, Catalogs.com Info Guru
Remember when you first understood the brilliance of Halloween candy? It was probably on a November 1st, when you woke up with traces of sugar on your lips and reached beneath your pillow to find the bulging bag was still there. It wasn’t a dream. Free candy was real and it was all yours.
I haven’t trick-or-treated in a good long while, but the Halloween candies that lingered were the same candies many children today set aside for trading with the one kid who doesn’t eat chocolate. The dreaded, a.k.a. worst Halloween treat ever – is clearly a matter of natural selection. The candy that takes up residence at the bottom of your bag (while appreciated) is the worst Halloween candy.
Here’s the top 10 worst Halloween candy:
10. Mary Janes
Sorry, retro candy lovers. I love peanut butter and I love molasses, but together there’s no magic. No surprises, no contrast of flavors or textures, except of course when the wax paper clings to the candy.
9. Candy Corn
Sure, some delusional people believe candy corn is tasty. It’s alright. Candy corn is not on this list because of its waxy texture, it’s here because many parents won’t let their kids eat unwrapped Halloween candy. What good is free candy if you’re not allowed to enjoy it? This is a trick more than a treat.
8. Candy Buttons on Paper
Scrape off colorful droplets of icing from long rolls of paper with your teeth and then explain why this is a good idea. And how does that soggy, stained paper manage to always avoid the trash can?
7. Necco Wafers
Am I alone on this one? Do children really eat these slivers of grainy sugar? Yes, you get about 50 in a single package and they come in different colors, but so do crayons and I’m not eating those.
6. Random Hard Candies with Gooey Insides
One day, long ago, there was a candy maker who made millions of hard candies shaped like strawberries and root beer barrels. Then he went into the sky in his hot air balloon and sprinkled these candies all over the world. Nobody knows what to do with these. I suspect the candy man stopped making these years ago and the same hard candies get recycled into the Halloween bowl every year. Stop this madness!
5. Circus Peanuts
Bits of circus peanuts over cereal may have inspired the creation of Lucky Charms cereal, but circus peanuts themselves are disappointing. There is a charm to their mysterious appearance in every Halloween candy bag for the past two-hundred years, but must they taste like bland Styrofoam?
4. Dubble Bubble
Rock hard plain gum is never ever yum. I’ll be happy to demonstrate why: give me an hour to break my teeth chewing it only to blow a pitiful puff of a ‘bubble’.
If you manage to pry this sticky, honey-flavored taffy from the 50-year old wrapper, you’re rewarded with a mouthful of stubborn pieces stuck to your teeth all night.
2. Mini Tooth Brush
Adults may appreciate the thoughtfulness, but kids feel jipped when they get mini tooth brushes for Halloween. I have never heard a single child shout, “Hooray! I can clean my teeth with this brand new mini tooth brush. And it’s mine. All mine. Ha ha ha [evil and joyful laugh].”
‘Coins aren’t candy’, you say. I know! On Halloween, you don’t dress up and walk 10 miles (or a few blocks) for dirty change. Coins don’t give you a sugar rush; they don’t melt in your mouth or stain your tongue blue. By these criteria: coins are absolutely the worst Halloween candy ever.
Halloweener, sorting the chocolaty from the chalky is between you and the candy bag. Your neighbors don’t have to open their doors and offer anything on Halloween. In the spirit of dressing up, telling spooky stories and getting free candy: smile and thank them, even if they drop a rotten apple in your bag.