Contributed by Top 10 Guru Lindsay Shugerman
It’s that time of year again.
Christmas, yes, of course. But it’s also the season in the year when husbands across the country make deadly mistakes in buying presents for their wives. You’d think they’d know by now, but somehow from one December to the next, the whole thing seems to slip their minds.
So this one’s for you, gentlemen. The ones who didn’t learn last year. Or the year before or the one before that! Before you head out to shop (an hour before closing on Christmas Eve — see, I do know what you guys do!), read this and learn.
And you brand new husbands? Save yourself now, and memorize this list!
10. A vacuum cleaner
I have to get this one out of the way right off the bat. For as long as I can remember, advice columnists and talking heads have been telling men not to buy vacuum cleaners for their wives. But do you guys listen? Nope. Right at this very moment, there is some misguided man out there trying to decide between the red one and the blue one.
But you, wise reader, will now be aware, and will by-pass those machines on your way to somewhere better, like the nearest jewelry store. Right? Good!
9. Dinner for two at a “gentlemans” club
You wouldn’t think I would have to include this one, would you? But I’ve recently heard of a couple of men doing just this. Their logic? “If I invite her, she won’t think there’s anything going on.” Excuse me??? Do you really think an invitation to watch you stare at scantily clad women is a gift? Aggghhhh!
8. Flannel nightgowns
There are probably few things on earth that make a woman feel less sexy than a flannel nightgown. So why would you buy your sweetheart one for Christmas? Stop and think, men! Unless you want your sweetie to morph into the big bad wolf on Christmas morning, put down the gown!
If it’s sleepware you want to buy, check out the cute sleep pants and tops. Or even better, shop for a beautiful silk gown. Not only will she feel like a princess wearing it, you’ll look like a prince for buying it!
7. Self-help books
No one wants to be told they’re in need of being fixed. But that’s exactly what you’re telling your wife when you hand her that self-help book. Yes, you might mean well… but don’t be surprised if her reaction is several degrees (miles?) less enthusiastic than you hoped.
Or to put it another way: Hope that couch is comfy!
6. A book of bathroom humor
Ten year old boys love jokes that center on bathrooms and body parts. Most girls that age don’t.
And as grown women, we still don’t. But sadly, many grown men haven’t caught on to that fact yet. So I’ll give it to you straight. Any book jokes or humor that includes the words “bathroom”, “toilet” or “potty” anywhere on the cover is exactly what you do NOT want to buy your wife for Christmas.
Ditto for novelty items that include the same (the infamous potty banks from a certain black-light illuminated mall store come to mind.)
5. Any major appliance
When was the last time you were thrilled to get something that was designed only for endless, daily, repetitious work? Probably never! So why in the name of all that’s good would any of you think that wrapping a bow around a major appliance would be a good idea for Christmas? And why do so many of you need this reminder year after year?
If you want to make housework easier for your wife, hire a maid or pick up your own socks. But leave the washer and dryer and fridge for another day — and just for the record, that doesn’t mean her birthday or your anniversary.
4. Weight loss group membership
Oh, no you didn’t! Tell me you did not sign your wife up for a weight loss program and think that was going to be the Christmas gift to put a light in her eye and spring in her step. OH.NO.
Nix this idea immediately. And toss in any ideas about buying her workout DVDs, workout books, exercise equipment and diet plans. A quick tip…salsa lessons for two? Yes! Gym for one? Don’t even think about it.
3. Boxed gift sets
You’ve seen them on the shelves at the discount stores. Preboxed gift sets including things like a mug, a packet of cookies and a tin of cocoa powder, or bubble bath, a poof and lotion. These boxed sets work pretty well for a last minute office gift, or for small children to carefully wrap for mom or dad or teacher. But they are not for a man to give his wife! So just in case you were thinking they were just the ticket, let me assur that train will not leave the station!
Now put down that remote, let the DVR record the game and spend some time picking out something that doesn’t come ready-to-wrap.
She shares your home. She may be the mother of your children. She’s your friend, your confidante, your lover. And when it comes time to pick out a Christmas gift for her, you give her….socks?
Unless they’re cashmere or silk, maybe you need to rethink this one. Even better, if hosiery is on your mind, leave the cotton socks on the rack and opt for indulgent silk stockings — and a pair of sexy new shoes. And reservations at a restaurant worthy of silk stockings.
1. A scale
This had to be number one on my list for the never, ever, no way, no how gifts to give your wife for Christmas. Do you not know that scales are the sworn enemy of every woman, no matter how fit or thin? Do you not understand that they use their evil powers to call out to us from the corner of the bathroom, making us “just check” even when we know the numbers will mock us?
And yet, and yet, you think of this as a gift? Shame, sir! Think silken linens, not scales! Now go forth and shop!