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The 10 Wackiest Valentine’s Day Gifts to Give Your Woman

Written by: Editorial Staff

January 15, 2009
Filed Under Holidays, Shop 

Tags: ,

It’s Valentine’s Day – a time for giant chocolate gift boxes shaped like hearts, weird stuffed animals that sing and furry handcuffs. You’ve been there and done that. You thought you’d try to be original this time around, but unless the woman of your dreams has a sweet sense of humor, avoid giving them these top ten wackiest catalog gift items for women…unless you enjoy sleeping on the couch.

10. A Samurai Ninja Sword

samurai swords

Yeah, we know you’re a master of Kung Fu, but your lady love isn’t. The Collector’s Edge has some pretty cool weapons of mass destruction, but leave the fantasy weapons in the garage in a box marked private. You don’t want to cross swords with her, especially on Valentine’s Day. I don’t care if you think you’re the Last Samurai, play with your sword and scabbard on your own time buddy.

9. A Beer Mug Hat

beer mug hat

Women usually expect champagne wishes and caviar dreams on Valentine’s Day, not weird, puffy, beer shaped headgear…unless you both live in a trailer park. In that case, pair this puffy beer hat from Century Novelty with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, butter your buns and call it a biscuit.

8. The Scrinch Girl Wig

scrinch girl wig

You’ve always had a fantasy of sleeping with Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Give this Scrinch Girl synthetic wig from Wilshire Wigs to your girl and you’ll be known amongst her friends as The Grinch Who Stole Valentine’s Day. Give her a gift certificate to a spa so she can get the haircut she wants.

7. Menopausal Hot Flash Formula

hot flash formula

You thought it would be a sweet gesture. It’s not. If you drop a hint that the love of your life is coming even close to “the change”, you’re going to have to contend with a hot flash of anger that is more powerful than any PMS mood swing you’ve ever experienced. Buy her some sweet herbal teas or splurge on some Flintstone vitamins instead.

6. Color for the Hair Down There

Color for the hair down there

We women love the movie “Pretty in Pink”, but this is ridiculous. If you want a special surprise down there, you be the guinea pig and try this dye from MySpaShop on yourself first, just in case it burns the carpet that no longer matches the drapes. Then have fun showering at the gym, Pinkie. P.S. It also comes in Malibu Blue and Orange…don’t get her those shades either.

5. Maid Uniform Tunic

maid uniform

Just because she occasionally picks up your dirty towels and socks off of the floor doesn’t make her your maid. If you want to play dress up and role play for Valentine’s Day great, at least make it a sexy French maid costume. Give her this maid tunic from Uniform Warehouse and you’ll be washing your own skid marked tighty whities on your own…and forget about the mint on your pillow.

4. Candy Covered Scorpions

candy scorpions

Nothing says “Hey honey, I love you” more than a candy coated insect, right? My prediction is, even if she’s a Scorpio, she won’t dig this bug pop from Candy Favorites. It’s Valentine’s Day you dope, stick with conversation hearts.

3. Cooking Basics for Dummies

cooking for dummies

If this requires an explanation, you’re a dummy, period. It’s the new millennium, take a cooking class yourself you big male chauvinist. Women think men who can hold their own in the kitchen are sexy. Buy this book from Book Closeouts for yourself, then cook her up something she’ll love. She’ll soon forget all of your past dummy antics.

2. Star Wars Lightsaber

star wars light saber

No matter how cool you think Chewbacca and Boba Fett are, odds are she doesn’t. Sure this Light Saber from Entertainment Earth lights up your life with it’s super cool ray that extends to over 3-feet in length… but if you give your woman a light saber on the most romantic day of the year, odds are you won’t be using the force in bed that night. Expect to be flying Han Solo.

1. Bidet


Yes, this big buck bathroom appliance from Coco Bidets features a deodorizer and dual nozzles for gentle pulsating cleaning, great for your next remodeling project. As fancy and luxurious as it may seem, give your beloved a bidet for Valentine’s Day and watch your relationship go down the toilet faster than the first flush.


3 Responses to “The 10 Wackiest Valentine’s Day Gifts to Give Your Woman”

  1. Sarah on January 28th, 2009 10:45 pm

    Umm… actually, I personally wouldn’t mind the ‘Samarai Ninja Sword’ the true name of which would be a katana, or the lightsaber. XD I’m just strange I guess. I suppose I’m not a typical female, but I’ve seriously thought of buying a ‘cookbook for dummies’. Everything else though… just no.

  2. TIKE on December 18th, 2009 12:19 pm

    I have given my ex girlfriend 2 light sabres for christmas 3 years ago. She loved them aha

  3. Robyn on November 27th, 2010 1:00 pm

    Sarah, you’re right. I’d love the katana! But all the others? Mostly guys who think Valentine’s day is the perfect time to fulfill THEIR sexual fantasies.

    So glad I’m not into men…